Bonnie and Clyde

Arthur Penn directed the film, in 1967, that would begin the era of the Hollywood Renaissance. Films up until this point, especially in the 1950’s, had been very careful with their content and storylines and tended to depict the “typical life” stories revolving around families, relationships, and dramas. Musical movies were standard, and plot lines differed minimally. There were some horror films at this time, but they were limited in how graphic they could be and tended to be dystopian and revolving ideas that were propaganda.

Bonnie and Clyde was a film that took some of these more typical themes - romance and drama - and added on to them by centering the plot around crime and action.

I think what makes this movie seminal first and foremost is simply the gamble the director and creators took by presenting things that were not as common or as considered acceptable in earlier Hollywood works, such as strong violence, anarchism, and sexuality. It was, in a way, a premiere of such topics, and it was a test to the American audience on whether or not they were able to handle darker themes, and if they would appreciate them. By doing so, and with the grand response the film received, they opened up not only a new take on the genre of crime and drama but a promise that this would be the next step towards repaving the lost path of American cinema at this time. American audiences were tired of seeing the same kinds of pictures, delicately showing the comfort and pristine lives of common folk, showing only the less risky parts of life, ones that, for better or for worse, would not stir audiences into talking and criticizing them. Movie production was facing a downfall due to the lack of audience attendance and appraisal. The film itself utilizes not the glamor of Hollywood, but the environment that we would see in classic Western films; most of the film's backdrop is out in the sticks but with characters that juxtapose this: their goals are to go against the government and authority, and see just how far they can go in a lifestyle of crime and stealing. It revolves around a couple who are anarchists, and do not adhere to societal norms and policies - they divulge in robbing banks, taking place during the time of the Great Depression, aptly suiting their causes - they wanted to fight against what they believed was a poverty caused by wealth and authority. The film resembles change, which was wildly intriguing to the audiences of the time. A realistic yet somewhat whimsical and romanticized depiction of being free from the rules we must follow.

final scene of bonnie and clyde

That being said, the abrupt ending to the film is just as realistic and was carefully created to appease both critics and lovers of this depiction of outlaws. It does not end in a Happily Ever After, which was a smart decision because it secures the creators from the possibility of being criticized as accepting and promoting such reckless and wrongful behavior and giving the realistic truth that this sort of lifestyle, as glamorous and thrilling as it may seem, can only last for so long. It has a time stamp, and both the audience and the characters appear to realize that they would not be able to continue the way they were living forever; they could not make it out alive, after the casualties and havoc they caused. And yet, they appear as fearless, and brave, because they accept their fate and continue to try to help those in need and take from the rich. They do not back down and are loyal to each other and their lifestyles. The scene written before the last, final one, is them discussing a fictitious life in which they could start over, and the characters seem to almost have a premonition by having this conversation, that their time is coming to a close, as they reflect and wonder if the safer route would have been easier. The following day, they have a near miss with the police, and it instantly has the audience in anticipation. Just after their near escape, they are ambushed, and what makes this ending so hyperrealistic, is the quickness of it. It all happens so fast, and in a highly un-Hollywood style, there are no last words, no final lines to impact the audience - it is entirely a visual impact. The last looks, so quick, if you blinked you would miss it, show not fear in the couples' eyes, but understanding and love.

You can see Beatty’s face perfectly express realization and fear of what is to come, and trying desperately to express an apology to the character Bonnie, for the trouble he feels he got her into.

Dunnaway’s face shows a look that at first could be seen as madness, as she is nearly smiling. At second glance, you realize she is trying to convey that she is not sorry for where they ended up because she knew what their ending would look like, and that it was here. She has an unapolagettic stare at him, just glad the last person she sees is him.

Here we can see Beatty’s face change into a look of love.

He seems almost glad to be going this way, knowing that he gets to see her as his last sight.

Finally, we see tears in her eyes.

Dunnaway portrays her character not to look frightened, but sad to go. She has finally committed to their outcome, to the realization that they are about to die. Her lips go from a smile into a look of shock.

The morning doves flying rapidly instants before the shooting is a beautiful metaphor.

The director used a natural element to convey the foreboding truth, the way the two of them, like the birds, already are leaving their bodies when they have the moment of realization. Their time is up, their life has already taken flight, and because of this, they are free.

The birds’ flight, the change from the handheld, shaky camera using a 9.8 mm F/1.8 Kinoptik lens, depicting flash shots of their faces to the stable shot of the two of them being killed from their car to the wide 400mm lens, is a perfect example of Penn as an Auteur. What makes this scene brilliant are the directorial choices, that make it painfully real and frightening.

An instant later, the characters’ lives are over, and as the audience realizes the end is here, and that there was a traitor in their paths, it can't help but sympathize for the lost characters. The final shot was not of their bodies, but of the authority, and what is so striking, is that even though they have achieved in finishing off the outlaws, and have won this battle, they seem to have not just guilt, but some remorse, some sympathy in their eyes, that will be reflected in every audience members' eyes, no matter how much they might disagree with the characters' decisions. This film won every heart over, by showing both the good and the bad in everyone. 

i know the end

This is my favorite song on the album and my favorite song of all time. It wasn’t always that way, though. When I first heard it, I was giving Punisher its first overall listen, years ago, and this song gave me a bit of whiplash. In comparison to the rest of the songs, most of which are really soft, especially Graceland Too, it is a faster, louder song, to say the least. It kind of jump-scared me a bit, actually, when I first heard it. But I’ve come a long way from thinking, “What is this? Let me turn this off” to thinking, “Okay, this is my favorite song that has ever been released on the planet. I want this to be engraved into my bloodstream, forever.” The reason I am so excited to review this song is because I think it gives that first impression to a lot of people - kind of scaring them. If you aren’t prepared to go from a super quiet, typical Phoebe song, to the most intense buildup, bridge, and journey through the song, it is a bit jarring. The song does a full one-eighty, and it is very metalinguistic. There are so many different genres just within the one song, and I think what is beautiful about it, especially being the closing track to the record, is that it covers all of the messages that are conveyed throughout the Punisher album, as well as all of the sounds that Punisher put out there, going from songs like Garden Song, a repetitive track that she made on an Ipad, of one simple melody on a loop, talking about things like killing Nazis in your yard, to Kyoto, an upbeat track, to songs with the saddest melodies like Savior Complex, that have real, deep romantic pains about relationships and the kind of melodic tunes they have are more instrumental and acoustic. This album, in all, goes to many different places, and what is so great about this song, in particular, is that it covers all of those places, and it is like a trailer of the album, in a way. It wasn’t a single - I think it would have been too off-putting to most people first hearing it. But once you have listened to the album, it is a perfect way to close it, because it is a short summary of everything you just heard. You start the album with a track that has hope, and looking at the future. Saying, “Im doing better than ever,” and talking about burying your past, burrowing it away. By the end of the album, she has an entirely, maybe more complex message. She is driving away from her past, finding a new home, a theme we hear in Chinese Satellite. (“I want to go home,”) It is a song about knowing you aren’t actually that much better, and you are tired of trying to find a place for yourself. It is saying, “It’s time to leave,” and I think of this album, as a whole, as a summary of her lifetime, painting the narrative of her timeline, and this is leaving us with the end. There is a major change to that one starting period of her life, represented by Garden Song, to leaving the album and leaving us.

I know the end was initially just a song called I Know because it was just the first half of the song. It was a slow outro type of song if we imagine the outro of a song being the entire track. It was about saying goodbye and leaving the album and this era of her life. The first half of the song sounds like it is about a couple breaking up, and the aspects that come with that: themes of leaving things the way they are, saying goodbye. That’s one way you can view this part of the song. It is a bit about tour, which makes sense because she wrote a lot of the album’s songs on tour. This track has a softer sound, in the beginning than other songs of hers, which is saying something. It is a ballad, and she was going to leave it at that, closing the album with a simple melody, because that is what she may feel most connected to, more instrumental, quiet songs. Again, this is Phoebe’s comfort zone, a ballad, because that may be what she feels more comfortable writing, and maybe even singing. She kept coming back to this song, kept working on it, and she decided to add something to it, she decided to change it. She didn’t want to leave us with another ballad, wanted to leave the listeners on both a high and low. She goes from the chorus into a crazy bridge, and it takes a while for the melody’s pace to pick up and change. A lot of people consider the first verses and choruses as the intro, even though it is not. Thematically, they are a part of the main song, and they are their own section. However, because it is a six-minute song, it does kind of feel like the intro to the main song, which is more fast-paced, a total flip and capsizing of the song. I think somebody I know didn’t even realize it was just one song, because of the difference between the first and second half of the song. I think the diversity of this song is amazing. I think Phoebe’s music is everything this song represents, and her character herself is, too. Both soft ballads and apocalyptic messages and literal screams. The song feels like a real catharsis as if all of the other songs were reflections and this is her letting out the pain for herself, not for the purpose of being heard, but because she needed to release her emotions, in the way she knows how.

I listened to an interview with Lucy Dacus recently, and she said that she thinks long songs are impressive, but not that impressive. If you can write a two-minute song where you say everything you need to say, it is just as impressive as writing a ten-minute song, where you are not able to make your message more concise and say all that you have to say. I think what makes a long song impressive is if it takes you places, not just the same repetitive song with a string of lyrics. Not to go on too much of a tangent, but I think about songs like All too well (10-minute version) by Taylor Swift, which came out last year. I expected it to have more bridges, and maybe do something more “I know the end” - esque, where it really takes you into a new direction, but that song is more of a repetition, that stays still. There are many different types of long songs, there are songs that can be even 20 minutes, usually in rock, where 10 minutes of it is a jam, and that is impressive, too. But what this type of long song does, and what makes it so special and impressive, is it is a six-minute song that constantly keeps the listener focused and it constantly changes and takes you to different places of the narrative of the song. She is telling multiple stories in this song - talking about tour and missing home, then home and missing tour, and never being content where you are. It begins with a self-reflection. The common human enigma of “why can’t I be happy with what I have, why do I always want something else,” that people are always stuck in. The next segment of the song, the next story, is about a breakup between a couple, a relationship that will end, going back to some themes from other songs, and maybe is more of a self-criticism, that we see in Savior Complex, of her being unable to keep a relationship alive, and her self sabotaging, a reflection of ICU, a bit. And then we get to the bridge - a faster tempo, building to something. It is hopeful, but with a minor tone that also bodes for something negative. And then she reflects on moving on and going forward. Wanting to believe there is more, which is akin to her message in Chinese Satellite. Only in this song, she is not just believing there is more, she is going to imagine a fictitious world that was in an apocalypse, and imagining what she would do. She is very enthralled in supernatural things happening, and things from the metaphysical universe coming down to earth and looking for more, for a new home, an origin. I think what this song does is it also reflects on people who want to have an origin story, a home, a place to always come back to, a safe haven if you will. Being on tour, you want to have this idea that even if you are happy now, you will have the comfort of going home to something familiar that you know. But what happens when the thing that you knew is gone, and you don’t have a place to call home. Phoebe said in an interview: “My grandparents lived in Northern California my whole life, and I’ve always kind of romanticized it, but, you know, they were always scattered around, and the home that they lived in is gone now. The idea that I even have something to go up to anymore is kind of fake.” That home is not necessarily a physical place anymore, that home is internal now. No matter what she is going through, she wants to know she has an origin place in her heart, where she was truly happy, that she can go back to whenever she needs to. I think home represents comfort, and coming back to familiarity and internal peace. Having a story that started somewhere.

The first thing people think of when they hear this song is that it is a depressing song. It is about longing for the end of the world. I think that people who are really content with their lives might find that really depressing, and I think people who are more discontent with how their life track has gone, are not willing to believe their life will be the same way it is now, for the rest of their lives. I think those people want to believe there is more out there and are searching for their home and themselves. Home means this place that you will be happy in for the rest of your life, to me. This state of mind, and a physical location. It’s both of those things. It’s wondering where your endgame is going to be. And if you haven’t found that place, you can only hope that you will keep driving until you find it. And I think that is what this song is really about. I think of this song as the most optimistic song. If you are happy in your life, of course, you don’t want the end to be near. If you are happy with the way the world is, if you have found that inner peace and your home, of course, you don’t want the end. But, if you haven’t, and you are discontent with your life or struggling, “The end is near,” starts to sound really good. It starts to sound like, “Maybe all of this will be behind me one day.” Maybe the end will be the end of everything I’ve been through, and maybe I’ll have a rebirth. Your life will be over, and you will be reborn, as a new spirit. This is obviously not literal and can be something that happens within your physical lifetime. It is metaphorically speaking. But the idea that you could have a rebirth and that you will find home and go there is something really optimistic, and I think that really highlights the difference between human beings and how they view the world. The idea of the world ending can be really scary, and to others, it is an optimistic thing. The world just represents this lifetime, the way people live, and all of our lives combined. But what if there is something more out there? What if there is something better, on the next corner? Isn’t that a beautiful idea? To me, “the end is near,” means the end of all suffering. Everything that has been hard about our lives, the end is near to it, and this won’t be forever. It reminds me of the line from Halloween, (“There’s a last time for everything,”) That may seem really scary to some people because it means maybe you will never be this happy or feel this good again, but maybe you will never be this sad again, maybe there is a last time to feeling a certain way. It’s how you want to read it. To me, these lines are kind of like this song. At first, they sound dark, but when you read more into them, they actually are very happy, optimistic, and positive. And there is also something to the fact that beauty can be seen in things that are not optimistic and are not being read into more. Maybe she is not making a deeper point, maybe “the end is near,” does not mean something hopeful. Maybe she is just extremely pessimistic and nihilistic. I think maybe we shouldn’t read into the song as a totally positive thing, either. Maybe it is cool to romanticize dark things. It is all about interpretation, the way you want to interpret this song. That’s what I think is so beautiful. You can read into it whatever you want. If you want to see darkness, that feels good sometimes. Just sitting with the darkness, thinking, “Yeah. Things are dark right now, and the end is near, and let’s just appreciate this time because it will not be forever,” that’s one way to look at this song. You could think all things good are going to go away eventually. You could think, maybe everything that were going through, the darkness, maybe it will be gone soon, and maybe the end of it is near. Maybe the pain will be over, and maybe we’ll have a next life that will be better. Anyone can see whatever they want in this song, and they can find whatever they relate to, whether it is hope, or not. Whatever resonates with their feelings. That’s what is beautiful about this song. It feels like a personal catharsis every time you listen to it. It makes me think, “Maybe something will change, maybe there will be a flip in the world, the same way this song just flipped.” Maybe it’s just a short concise reflection and narrative of what life is like. If your life is just this mundane cycle of just waking up and waiting to go back to sleep, you hope there will be an end to that cycle, that there is more to life than just living. If that is what the first two verses are, just a slow, repetitive cycle, something has to change, which is what the bridge represents, taking you to this moment where you let your past go in screams, and you have a rebirth. I love to think this song is a representation of life, and the segments of the song, like the verses and choruses, are just different parts of our lives that we find in different segments of time in our lives. It’s a beautiful thought, to think a song is a representation of life, and that there are just ups and downs and bridges and builds and rises and falls in all of our lives. It’s a song that represents life while talking about the end of life. The ingenuity of that blows me away.

“Somewhere in Germany, but I can’t place it, man I hate this part of Texas."

This is a reflection of being on tour. While she was touring, for her previous album, Stranger in the Alps, there was this moment where somebody in the crew said, “damn, I hate this part of Texas,” whenever they got off the tour bus, no matter where they were. She said she always remembered this joke that is always with her, representing being tired of wherever you are. It points out the feeling of hating tour, and then hating when you are home. It’s this cycle of wanting what you can’t have, and then once you have it, you are bummed out and want something else. So many people want to go to the places she gets to go on tour, and once she is there, she doesn’t even feel like she is experiencing it, she doesn’t even know where she is, because it’s all in the blur that is tour. It’s not just a silly line, either, that is just a joke. It is also a representation of the dissociation you get on tour, where all you want is to be home.

“Close my eyes, fantasize, three clicks and I’m home.”

This line is a bit of a reference to The Wizard of Oz, about traveling to all of these outlandish places while you are in a dream-like state, and she is talking about picturing being back home and feeling comfortable in that place. This is the first reference to home and this romanticized idea of it. Picturing being there, while she is on tour.

Bridgers: “Counting down the days until you get to go home, and then also clicks are like a military reference - going on tour is kind of like that. People leave unresolved social situations and then they don’t have to think about it. Like, you kind of do get to leave your life, so it does kind of feel like you’re kind of getting taken into an alternate reality.”

It also is this idea that in reality, you can click anything and you can get it. If you wanted, you could make a few clicks and get a plane ticket, but you know you can’t, so you just fantasize about being home instead.

“When I get back, I’ll lay around, then I’ll get up and lay back down. Romanticize a quiet life,”

And then she is already predicting what will happen when she does get back home. It is that feeling you get where you realize you’ve been waiting for that solitude of being back home, and peace and tranquility, while you’re doing so much all at once. When you are out somewhere and you are discontent with it after a few hours, you wish you were back home and comfortable. And then, when you do actually get back home, you don’t know what you are going to do with yourself, and you realize that peace and tranquility maybe lasts for a few hours, and then you wish you were back on the road, because at least you had a purpose, and now you don’t know what to do with yourself. You also don’t have the energy to do anything you said you would do when you got back.

Bridgers: “When you’re on tour, at least I do this, like, I’ll save recipes on Pinterest, and I’ll decide Im gonna garden now. I mean, I’ve been home for like over a year, and, I have no garden. I think it’s just that idea of romanticizing your life, and then when you get home, what you actually do is nothing what you fantasized about.”

I think this also goes back to the way she talked about “the garden life,” in Garden Song, on the first song on Punisher. She talks about how she is going to make this beautiful life for herself, but that’s actually a lot harder to accomplish when you are just so exhausted from what your life has been before you got home. And you try to do things, but you are just so tired, and not just because of the actual physical exhaustion, but there is a difference between that and mental exhaustion where you just can’t do anything, and you’re just incapable of achieving all of the things you really wanted to. It’s this really sad feeling, where you wanted to have this romanticized life, and it’s not what you imagined it to be, and it was just what was keeping you going, knowing you’d come back home. And now you are home and wish you were back on the road. It’s this really discontent feeling of constantly going in circles of wishing you were somewhere else, and dreaming of this home that you don’t really have, that one day you could achieve if you just had the energy for it. It’s this going back-and-forth feeling, and I think a lot of people live that way, this cycle we see in this line of “getting up and laying back down,” waiting for the cycle to break. You can romanticize a quiet life all you want, even if that is not your life at all, because what you want to do with your life doesn’t align with the quiet life, and that can be a real disappointing feeling. It provokes this question of, “Is it worth it?” Is it worth the romanticized quiet life to get rid of all the other things that make it the opposite of a quiet life? It’s kind of this back-and-forth thing, that all artists, even the most successful ones, have to face - what do you really want out of life? Would you rather do this, of live a normal life like normal people, and have the simplicity you lack? You could have all the things that would make your life “romanticizable,” even though some people could view life on tour as a romanticized thing. We romanticize what we dont have, and we want to be these grown adults, who, like she said, have a garden, take care of themselves, and have their life together, when in reality it’s very difficult to do when you are struggling with mental exhaustion and fatigue, and depression all the time.

“There’s no place like my room,”

A reference to “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.” A lot of people feel that their room is their tranquil place. If we think about the character of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, she wants to go home, and Phoebe is making a smaller ask, where all she wants is her room.

“But you had to go, I know, I know, I know.”

The chorus starts to go into her relationship.

Phoebe Bridgers: “I was breaking up with my drummer. We dated for a long time, and he brought this guitar line, and this, “I know, I know, I know…” Just kind of about breakup acceptance, and we write a lot of songs together. Over the course of literally 3 years, I just kind of continued to write to that really really sad melody, the first half of the song is just like…miserable.”

“Like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore.”

Possibly a reference to Moon Song, where she compares her relationship to water, (“You’re holding my like water in your hands…” “It’s nautical themed…”) There’s a real juxtaposition between how she referred to the relationship in that song as something she didn’t want to end, and wanting to stay together no matter what was against them, to this song, where she is more accepting that he has to go, and that it is time for her to do some self-care now that she is home. She needs to let go of escaping, which only works for a certain amount of time. You can escape with going on tour, as she said, but when she gets home, it’s not just a romanticized place; she actually has to face what she was escaping from on tour. In this case, it means having to let go of a relationship that we know meant a great deal to her, and she has to let it go. When she comes back home, she has to be conscious of what her life really is, and that is what the line I know, I know, I know, represents. A lot of people say that when they are admitting that they need to accept something, like what their lives are, and what they need to do, like responsible things, without really wanting to. You try to take care of yourself by romanticizing your life, and the responsibility comes with that, even though it can be painful. It is also a way for her to say she is more aware now. We go from that first line, of her saying she doesn’t even know where she is, to her need to know what is going on in her life back home, once she finally gets out of that dream-like state, as she comes back to her reality and accepts her life, which can be a really hard thing.

Her relationship came as a big burst of emotions, but it is eventually melting away from her, and she has to let it go and accept that that course of nature will take action eventually, and that can be a sad thing.

“Not even the burnouts are out here anymore.”

Burnouts are people who use drugs, or delinquents who are not adhering to societal norms, or people who are just hanging out on the beach, which she says she sees when she drives past the beach, referencing that wave crashing on the shore, again. If they aren’t even there anymore, you know the end is near. This is now going into the apocalypse theme, the more fictitious side of the song.

Phoebe Bridgers: “The song is obviously a lot about the apocalypse, and I just thought of different subsets of people that would be affected by it, and the kids who hang out every day, surfing, when they finally go, the kids who are there every single day, I feel like you finally know that stuff is going down.”

If the burnouts aren’t there, the people who are not adhering to social standards, you know that there is change in the air. That’s representative of the fact that she knows that her partner has to go, or maybe she is speaking of herself, too. That she has to go, and it’s time for change, the end of the cycle.

“And you had to go, I know, I know, I know. Out in the park, we watched the sunset, talking on a rusty swingset.”

We get into the second verse with this representation of what the breakup looked like. And it really paints an apocalyptic scene, which almost makes it sound a bit narcissistic of her as if the end of the world is reflected around this idea that her relationship is ending. It is representative of how when people are going through a breakup or any painful thing in their hearts, it can feel like the world is ending, like the apocalypse is here, and the end of the world is here. But it also just has a lot of imagery, painting this scene of her in the park watching the sunset, and the rusty swingset represents childhood and youth that has worn away, sitting in the sun unused for so long. It represents a very adult thing of a painful breakup, going from something bright, youthful, and full of fun, to something old and fading, which is what their relationship really is now. Having to move past your childhood and wake up into your adult life and having to move into the next phase of your life. Its also about this feeling of not wanting to go and do something, and wanting to just spend time at home, but knowing it is better for you to do something, so the swingset represents this middle ground of doing something with your life even though it isn’t being social or doing things that are good for you. It represents this sense of regret.

Phoebe Bridgers: “And then I remembered all these nights, I would cancel on my friends, and be like, “Im just gonna have a relaxing night in,” and then at like 9 pm, you realize that you wish you’d gone out, or something, so I would walk down from this apartment to the park next to it, and sit on the swings, and it made me feel like, at least I left my house.”

I feel like I really relate to that. Where you don’t want to go do something, and then you think you should have done it, so you do something else instead, and it’s more depressing than what you would have actually felt, had you just gone out and not canceled plans. Then again, self-reflection can be better.

“After a while, you went quiet. And I got mean. Im always pushing you away from me, but you come back with gravity.”

I think this line is really indicative of people who push people away when they’re just not content with themselves and it’s nothing personal. People say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” But in this case, it actually is that way. It’s not just a cliche of life, genuinely a lot of people push away people just because they hurt themselves, and cant take care of their own lives and their own relationships with themselves, let alone somebody else. It’s like rejection, but not because of the person, you are trying to reject all the things of your past that come with the past. And knowing that somebody is too good for you because they keep coming back no matter how awful you are to them is not just representing a romantic relationship, but it can also represent a relationship in a family. “When you get too close to people, you can treat them like your parents,” she said.

Phoebe: “When I get too close to people, I start to treat them like my parents, where you just say stuff to them that you don’t even realize is in you. I just feel like, yeah, you don’t even have to do that much to make up, sometimes, because both people want to make up, but you know you’re being a dick, and you don’t have to admit that you’re being a dick. You just kind of like float back into peace.”

And genuinely, your parents are probably the closest people to you, just because you are related, by blood. They’re the people who gave you life and sometimes those are the people you treat the harshest, and you kind of feel like, this is so unfair to them, that Im such a jerk to them because Im dealing with my own stuff. And Im taking it out on them because I know I can, and I know they’ll always come back to me, and that’s so unfair. I shouldn’t be given that luxury, of having somebody always there for me, no matter what I say or put them through, just because of love. That’s not fair, that you can be so harsh towards people. Sometimes you wish you could get a lesson to yourself, so you would treat people better, but, love doesn’t work like that. We see that in Graceland Too, where no matter what a person does, you will always be there for them. It’s kind of her feeling that firsthand in her own ways. I think Graceland Too specifically is a great juxtaposition; It’s all about being that person from the sidelines and reflecting on someone else’s life, which can ultimately be easier and can have a more positive outlook than reflecting on yourself. And when you do reflect on someone else, you can see yourself as a great person, because it is so easy to be good to people, who are not yourself. And I think when we see her reflecting on herself and how mean she says she feels about herself, I feel like it is really relatable.

“And when I call, you come home, a bird in your teeth.”

This idea of if you find someone who continues loving you, no matter how badly you treat them, it’s obviously something real. I think that can be one of the ultimate tests of love if somebody can stand by you no matter what you are going through internally, and what you put them through just as an outcome of your own personal grief and distress and depression. Going into that, it’s kind of like having a pet. They’re always going to be loyal to you, because you are the one who gave them love at some point, and you rescued them when they needed it, so now they are going to be there for you no matter what. So she goes back to that reference that she goes into a lot in the album Punisher, where she talks about the dog with the bird in their teeth - bringing something, a gift, even though it is unwanted by the owner. That can be said for their relationship; he is bringing her love even when she doesn’t deserve it, or see beauty in it. It’s this bad feeling of knowing that her breakup is more like a dog coming to you after they kill a bird, a person ready to come back to the relationship and show that they’ve changed even if they haven’t.

“So I’ve gotta go, I know, I know, I know.”

We get into the second chorus, and now it is not about you having to go; it’s kind of changing the story a little bit. As she is reflecting on the breakup, She is realizing it’s not her partner who had to go, it’s her, she needed to change, get away from this, and stop putting her loved one through the pain that is not their fault, but her own. So she has to go, and not just from the relationship, I think. I think this means she has to go and get out of the life she is currently living in. It’s not good for her, any more and she needs change. I think this song is ultimately about change, in all manners of the word, and just needing something new, and something to take away from the monotonous tone that your life has become.

“When the sirens sound, you’ll hide under the floor. But Im not gonna go down, with my hometown in a tornado.”

This next line is another reference to The Wizard of Oz, and being swept up in a tornado. But the difference here is she is not gonna go home and stay in the place she called home forever, but she is looking for a new place to call home because home wasn’t working out the way she expected it to. The person she wanted to be is not who she is, and that can be a feeling that provides a lot of grief and reflection. There is this line that says, “It’s okay that you are not the person you wanted to be,” but, it can be hard to actually believe that that is okay when you had so much hope for yourself. And you wound up waking up and realizing you are nowhere near the person you thought you would be, or who you wanted to be. And that can be a really painful thing to admit to yourself. There is the admittance again, and actually accepting your life with I know I know I know being repeated in the chorus. I think that is why the first half of the title of the song is I Know. Not just because I know the end means knowing what is coming and that you are at the end of your life, but it’s about this repetition of the lyric, and knowing you need to change, knowing you have to come to terms with your life.

“Im gonna chase it, I know, I know, I know. I gotta go now, I know, I know, I know…”

This song is also about fearlessness. Being unafraid of the change of the world, and while maybe everyone else is hiding out, trying to avoid change, and the world ending, she is going to chase it. Chase the storm, because at least it means emotion and change in the air. I think that is really indicative of who she is; she is going to follow the storm, and what it is going to provide her. It also represents a self-harm aspect; wanting to put yourself in dangerous situations because it may give you adrenaline or it may offer hope when it’s not a hopeful thing. If you are comparing yourself to normal people, you realize how wide the gap is between you and normal people, highlighted by your decisions. If you ask yourself, if there was an apocalypse, what would you do, and what you would do is see everyone else be normal and taking proper cover, and you would get in your car and drive straight towards the storm because that is the kind of person you are, you realize how different you are. There are alarms that tell you you have to hide and take care of yourself, and what she would do is put herself in danger because that is the kind of person that she is. And she knows that is who she is. She is coming to terms with the fact that if she chases the storm, her time might be up and she knows that. And she is still going to follow her instincts which may or may not be self-care instincts, but are just the ones she has. I think some people would be great at survival, and some people just don’t value it that much.

Phoebe Bridgers: “My friends that would be too scared to leave would be in bunkers, and I would drive up the 5 freeway, and, you know, go to a place that doesn’t exist.”

“Driving out, into the sun.”

So now we get into the bridge, which is probably my favorite part of the song. That’s where you hear the beat start to kick in, and you hear the violin go into this high-pitched sound that kind of just resonates this idea into your mind, that something is happening, and there is change in the air. Something is about to begin. to me, this bridge sounds and looks in my head like driving at top speed towards the sun, which she then says. It perfectly corresponds with the music. It is so symbolic, of the way the music sounds here. It reminds me of freedom, change, and purple-pink skies, and I just picture somebody driving at sunset. This song is great to hear at sunset, driving through some outskirts road surrounded by fields of nothingness that really paints this apocalyptic image in your head, and that is what I hear here. It’s such a great intro to the next half of the song, where now we are getting into the fictitious side of the song. It’s not about a relationship, it’s not about her on tour, it’s about picturing this fantasy world of the end of the world happening, and what that would look like. For her, it really does portray freedom, and driving out into nothingness. Maybe she doesn’t picture the apocalypse as something scary, just a place with no people and what looks like no existence at all, just emptiness and maybe that represents something she feels inside of herself. Maybe this longing for peace when you are on the road, and constantly surrounded by people all the time, and existence, you just want to get away from that, and be in a world where you are the only one there. Where there is nothing around you, and I think that is akin to people who long to go on hikes, or be in the middle of open wilderness with nothing around them. There is a real romanticization of being the only one around, especially after being kept up in a tour bus with people all around, Im sure that inspired this next section of this song. We know that also the apocalypse represents the end of the world, but there is also this beauty in the idea that she is driving towards the sun, and letting everything behind her go, and she goes into this nothingness that represents what she is feeling inside. This numbness that you are not trying to escape but chase, and live in for a bit. This dissociated world of numbness that can feel really good sometimes.

“Let the ultraviolet cover me up,”

The first line paints the image of beauty and nature in freedom, and this line represents the self-harm image, or putting yourself in a place of danger, where there are harmful UV radiation beams, now that the earth’s ozone layer has depleted, if we’re in this apocalyptic fantasy world. That is what scientists say would happen if the ozone layer completely depletes because of all the human pollution and human carbon footprint. If that caused nature’s natural path to break, because of human existence, then that is what the apocalypse is: a result of human beings’ imprint on the environment, and what would happen if the environment can no longer hold itself up, and everything breaks. That’s what this change is: it’s a change from the symbiotic relationship we have with Earth, and suddenly it breaking. I think the Earth breaking and losing its ozone layer, its surface level, represents what people feel when they internally are breaking, and they have had enough of being constantly polluted by everything in the earth, the same way the actual earth feels. If you feel like your insides have now been so beat up and taken advantage of, the same way a lot of people can speculate the earth feels after all this time of human overconsumption and pollution, finally there being a break, and that’s what the apocalypse really is: this internal breaking where the earth just can’t handle it anymore, and everything is breaking, and it means change is here, whatever that change is. There is going to be one, and I think the apocalypse to Phoebe is an internal reflection. If the earth represents who she is, then the apocalypse represents a break, her no longer able to take the pain and suffering she has gone through all these years. If that surface layer that keeps you afloat finally snaps, and you can no longer keep this fake smile on your face, and your cheeks are finally too tired of turning red and faking smiles (as she says in the song Nothing New) There is going to be a break and you have no more of that surface layer protecting you and absolving you of the pain that is deep inside of you, and it is just kind of diving into that ocean of pain, and letting it hit you. Allowing the pain to wash over you because you have had enough and you can’t take anymore, can’t take pretending that everything is fine anymore, which is what a lot of people feel the earth may come to. That is what “Let the ultraviolet cover me up,” means.

“Went looking for a creation myth, ended up with a pair of cracked lips.”

I think this next idea is like how she talked about in Chinese Satellite, how for so long she has been trying to find her faith and see what everyone else sees in religion, and how it constantly just doesn’t let her in, in a way. She feels like she has been banging on the windows, wanting to be let in, trying to find her faith and her belief system, and she just can’t be let in, and it can be a really disappointing feeling. It represents how so many people say, maybe I should just take that leap, and start to find my faith, but she just can’t do it. A lot of people think you can find your home, and find your peace and internal clarity when you finally start to believe and start to find your faith, and for some people, it is a lot harder to accomplish that and to actually let belief in when your whole life you have been hearing all of these things that make you against that belief. When a lot of bad things happen to you, it’s hard to have faith and belief that everything happens for a reason, belief that there is someone looking out for you, because something it feels too cruel, or it feels too good to be true. It’s hard to believe in good when you’ve been let down a lot, and I think that’s what she kind of means. But also, the creation myth idea hints that maybe she has a story, too, an origin somewhere, a place where she was created. But, like she said, it’s kind of this fake thing, and it’s not real anymore. She sees that because sometimes the most beautiful things get burnt away, and nothing can last forever. That kind of altered her belief system. It is this meeting of realism and the horrible truth of life, with this beautiful, romanticizable idea of belief and that there is more out there. It is like looking up at the sun and trying to feel something, and all you get instead is your body fighting against it by giving you cracked lips, essentially. It is a representation of her trying to look up and reach for belief and instead, her body just rejects it. I feel like there is such a juxtaposition between this idea of divine power and all of the greater beings in the universe, highlighting how weak and mortal humans are, because all they get from the sun is a pair of cracked lips.

Phoebe Bridgers: “I want the hero’s journey or the origin story, but Im super super white, and every time I go into the sun, it’s just like poison. So I think driving out into the sun and like, you know, like Icarus stuff. Like, and then you just get scorched.”

“Windows down, scream along, to some America first rap country song.”

And then we go back to the more realistic idea of just driving and looking for the sun and looking for hope. You get this sense of dissociation and out-of-body feeling, when you are driving, because you have been doing something for so long that it comes naturally and you don’t have to think about what you are doing anymore, and you are just speeding fast. You let all of the adrenaline from going fast and from looking up at the sun get to you, and for a second you feel like you are in a movie, or more so you feel like you are a little stronger and invincible, and this totally free person, even though you are just a person driving your car. This idea of windows down, screaming along to a song, makes you feel just this short and concise, and condensed version of freedom and independence all in just a second when you are listening to some music you really like. She talks about this specific music being her own internal battle, this kind of idea of loving these artists who are actually screwed up people, and questioning why you like the content that they put out. It symbolizes human beings and how flawed we are, and how we can love people even when they have so many things that are messed up, and what they created is so beautiful you can’t help but love it, and that can be seen in all relationships between human beings, and kind of this idea that even people who are considered bad and wrongful all have good sides to them and can create beautiful things that other people can appreciate. it’s this idea that nobody is bad, entirely. And that is what she is insinuating with this line. Also, some self-reflection is that she is not perfect, and she can’t be totally ethical all the time, either. That now that there is an apocalypse and nothing matters, she can allow herself to like or listen to whatever she wants. Some of my favorite creations are by people who are extremely not good people who have done horrible things in the world, and that’s kind of a disappointing feeling when you find out that something you love was created by someone who has done other things that you hate, and its this question of if you can separate art and the creator. And sometimes you just have to, because you can’t rid yourself of everything that brings you joy.

Phoebe Bridgers: “Pop-country radio has always been close to my heart because my grandparents listen to it, my mom listens to it, but ever since the election, it made me realize, I mean I think this is the root of white privilege, where Im like, “A lot of this stuff is racist!” even though, it’s so fucked up. And even though there is no place for me in the pop-country radio world, I know like a bunch of Toby Keith songs, and fuck Toby Keith! But when Im alone in my car, trying to stay awake especially, Ill turn on pop-country, and Im like, “Oh I actually do know all these lyrics.””

“A slaughterhouse, an outlet mall, slot machines, fear of God.”

I think here she is naming four things that she hates about the world, four things that she is trying to let go of. These are things that are on the earth that are kind of all man-made, and all damaging, and she is kind of listing all of these things that she hates. Maybe also a representation of a few of the songs on Punisher. I think this is when she starts to reflect on her life, and if Punisher is a representation of her life and her life’s story, a slaughterhouse makes me think of Kyoto, in a very twisted way, because it’s talking about murdering someone and murdering an innocent person who has actually done you no wrong. That’s kind of what a slaughterhouse is. An outlet mall reminds me of how she likes to go to CVS and all of these boring mundane chain places because they are good places to hide in plain sight when she was having a panic attack or things like that, and that is a representation of that line from Punisher. And then you’ve got slot machines, which makes me think of games in general that are man-made (and we know she hates games). They can make you lose bets, kind of like how she was talking about the game at dodgers stadium in the song Halloween. So we are going in literally chronological order, and then we hear “fear of God,” which is an obvious Chinese Satellite reference, and how it is not that she necessarily has a fear of God, but she has a fear that she will never have belief, which she longs for so badly and so desperately, and she hates the fact that she has that at all. Or fear of anything so powerful or so strong, and I think these are literal representations of her songs and tracklist, and I think that is so ingenious of her. It’s also going from really mundane and basic things to the most incomprehensible things about the world, all in a short sentence or verse.

“Windows down, heater on, big bolts of lightning hanging low. Over the coast, everyone’s convinced, it’s a government drone, or an alien spaceship.”

Her continually driving with the windows down, which she keeps repeating in this bridge, which continually represents the wind in her hair, and feeling this sort of freedom she didn’t have before now that everything else is breaking, she can, too. How nothing really matters, and she can do whatever she wants, even if it is damaging to the environment hence damaging to herself, because we have come to terms with the fact that this song represents the earth as her personal self and her own life. So windows down, heater on, is something they tell you not to do because you are wasting the heater, which is bad for the environment. But at this point, nothing matters because it is the apocalypse, so she can do things that feel good even if they aren’t great for her. Then you’ve got a painting of a real apocalyptic idea. There is a big bolt of lightning hanging low, which represents a different type of God, like the weapon of Zeus in Greek Mythology. It really paints this dystopian world, for a second. Lightening is way too close, and you know you are chasing possibly death and the end of the world by going closer and closer to the low-hanging bolts of lightning. it is also a reference to the Space X Launch she saw, which she mentions in the next line. This is talking about how people search for the supernatural even in basic things that are human-created because they are so desperate for something to change, or something awe-inspiring, or even something really different and abnormal happening. And so, people will take sides, and so you have the controversy of the conspiracy theorists or the super realists, and she kind of feels like she is between those two things, but she has this hope for something amazing happening, and to her, something amazing would be if that were a spaceship and were not just a man-made thing, something unnatural but something also so surreal coming to earth with the apocalypse upon her. This represents the opposing sides of the way the earth is constantly fighting with each other, whether they want to believe in something, or they don’t.

Phoebe Bridgers: “One time when I was driving up, I saw a Space X Launch, that nobody told me was happening. I pulled over and opened, like, the internet, nothing said anything, but a couple people on Instagram were like, “It’s an alien invasion.” And then I found out it was Space X and I was stoked for them, but I was also disappointed that it wasn’t aliens.

“Either way, we’re not alone. I’ll find a new place to be from.”

Now we get to my favorite lines of the whole song. It brings me so much joy to hear her say these lyrics. I mean, how comforting is this line, if you sit back and let that hit your heart. either way, no matter what we are arguing about or what we believe, there is no denying that were not alone, and that were not the only ones here. And, whether that means there are so many other beings out there who have hearts and souls besides us, or there are truly aliens. It can be read that way, that we’re literally not alone, but also, no matter who you are arguing with, and that goes back to that first lyric section, talking about the breakup, no matter what is going on, we are not alone, and we do not have to suffer alone. The idea of an apocalypse is that this is happening to everyone. Everyone is feeling the same thing, and we have this sense of comradery, this sense of allyship because we are all aligned with the same story when in our lives, we feel like we are the only ones suffering, and we are the only ones feeling this sense of pain. For the first time, you have validation, and you know everyone is going through this, and we are all coming together in pain. I think that is what that means. In the music video, it is interesting that the line of the song is the same, but she mouths, “Either way, I’m not alone.” And I think this makes it clear that even though she is letting the audience know that this is for all of us to hear, she has to remind herself, “No, me personally, I am not alone. I’m not the only one who is breaking, right now.” And that is a really important thing to remember. Loneliness can be one of the most devastating things to come to terms with, and sometimes you have to remind yourself that you are never entirely alone. I love that she reminds us of that. And then she says, “I’ll find a new place to be from.” It’s the first sense of real hope. Maybe it’s not on this planet, but she will find a place to be from, an origin story, a creation myth, all of those things that she said she can’t find, she believes one day she will find again. Even if home is just an internal place of peace, even if it means finding your chosen family, your friends, the people who make you feel alive and like you’re not alone. You will find your place of comfort, and it’s this idea that just because you came from one place, it doesn’t mean that that has to be your place at the end of the day. You can choose your home, and you can choose your origin story. You can recreate your life, have a rebirth, and choose the place of your rebirth. I think that is a really positive outlook, and it is hope. This is proof that she is finding her own faith in her music.

“A haunted house, with a picket fence, to float around and ghost my friends.”

This is my favorite line. This super major contrast and the juxtaposition between something that is super suburban and ideal and utopian idea of the classic, perfect house, with the picket fence that almost makes the house look like it is perfect, and I think this represents how we as humans can paint ourselves over with a mask, kind of like what she talks about in Halloween. How we can make ourselves look like these utopian figures when really we are full of the ghosts of our pasts and just battling them. It’s scary inside, and we are all just broken hinges and crumbling apart doors, but we can cover that up, as we have that power. We don’t always know it when we are breaking inside. It paints this image of a girl (Phoebe) putting on a fake smile to cover up all of her darkness and skeletons in her closet, and all of the suffering that she is really feeling inside. I think sometimes the people who are going through the most have the most positive exteriors because it is what they learned they have to do. To put on a good show and a fake smile, and really sell it, because they’ve always had to. And they’ve never actually been okay. And obviously, we have the ghost idea from Stranger in the Alps, which she loves to come back to, in this line. That really correlates with her new theme of skeletons in Punisher. And, of course, “to float around and ghost my friends,” has a double meaning. Obviously, ghosting your friends is something people do when they are not okay themselves and would rather be alone and self-isolated because they do not want to hurt more people, so a lot of people who really suffer just ghost everyone in their lives, because it is easier to let go of your loved ones, and not respond and not make an effort to continue your connection because you don’t want to burden them with your pain. So ghosting your friends is a term for not burdening people with your problems. And floating around represents this dissociated state where you are not even in your body and you can’t possibly communicate with other people like a normal person because you aren’t a normal person.

“No, Im not afraid to disappear.”

It brings us to this deep and controversial idea regarding the fear of death. There is a stark contrast between the people who are terrified of death more than anything and wish for immortality, and then there are the people who long for that day, and then there are the people in between. There is such a contrast within the fear of death, and in this case, disappearing represents that. That is an explanation for why she is chasing the storm, chasing the apocalypse, and putting herself in a place of isolation, because she is not afraid to disappear and float away in a state of dissociation, it is not a scary thought to her. It baffles me that people do fear death because it seems like the most peaceful thing, like floating away, and just disappearing in a peaceful way. Like Phoebe, I don’t understand the fear in that. I think death is only scary to those who are so content and in love with their lives and don’t want change. But what about the people who are discontent? It does seem like a hopeful thing, and I don’t mean to be completely nihilistic and pessimistic, but it seems like the next chapter. You can be content with your life and also not be afraid of death. Those two can coincide, but let’s just live in the moment now, and not be afraid of the future and what is to come. No one is immortal, and that is a good thing. Immortality scares me a lot more than death does. Phoebe thinks of it as being at peace with the world. You can choose the way you live your life and choose not to fear the future, and live in the present. Not being afraid of the next day, but focusing on what you can do today. It is a real state of peace that comes with understanding it won’t always be this way no matter how good or bad it is. It’s just coming to terms with the fact that everything has an expiration date at some point, and whenever that end comes it will be okay. I don’t think it’s apathetic to think this way, I think it’s contentment with death, and with life.

“The billboard said ‘the end is near.’”

Phoebe Bridgers: “I did see a billboard that said, “the end is near,” and, uh, lots of like, aborted fetuses, on the 5 freeway, and you’re like, who are they giving billboards to? But then, like, you know, the kind of whimsical - its like, really nothing in that verse has been whimsical yet, and then the idea - like even the haunted house with a picket fence, it’s like, I see it, and I want it, and then you turn around and the world is gone, and that’s kind of the one fiction.”

It’s this totally perfect depiction of the apocalypse and the end of the world, actually taking heed of the signs you see on the highway, and accepting the end is near, and that is a truth for everyone. The end is near can be referring to a lot of things: life, the good things in it, and the bad things. Whatever you choose to let that line mean to you, that is the reality. I choose to look at that in both an optimistic and pessimistic way. It’s both, its this middle ground, where you understand that all of the good things will come to an end, but all the bad things will too at some point, and that’s totally fine, and the end is near is something we all need to accept. It’s also a reference to the signs that humans created, that you see on the highway. It reiterates the fact that we all know what the world will come to eventually.

“I turned around, there was nothing there, yeah, I guess the end is here.”

She takes it away from the end is near, as she goes into the future with this lyric. She is saying, if I turned around, and the whole world is gone, I guess the end is here. Again, she repeats this so many times, because it is this hopeful thing. Maybe the end is finally here. She as a person has been waiting for this for so long, and maybe it’s finally happening to her. She pictures the future, her old self, seeing her life behind her, as it disappears, and she is not afraid of that. She keeps repeating this, and finally, she has her catharsis moment, where she just lets all of the pain and her past go in screams. Seeing this moment live is a total catharsis, and it feels like you enter this apocalyptic universe for a second. You hear Phoebe absolutely screaming, and you are in a stadium surrounded by other people screaming with you, everyone is coping with their own thing, trying to let go of something with their screams, and there is something so cathartic about screaming, and it feels like such a peaceful sound.

Phoebe Bridgers: “I was like, I really wanna scream at the end of this record. And so I worked back from that and brought meaning to it. But, I thought it was fun to be like, the end is near, of the album.”

“The end is here. The end is here. The end is…”

This is just pure yelling, and not even finishing the sentence, because it proves that it is the end. is actually here, now, and it portrays dying and the world actually ending in this super depressing and dark way, but there is also something so beautifully relieving about it. It feels like a release of pain, at the same time. And that is what the screams represent to me. Right when it begins to end, she screams again, and when it does subside, it all fades away, and it does paint this image of everything in life fading away, and suddenly she is breathing her last few breaths of air, and it represents the end of this album, the end of this period of her life, and it sounds so eerie. It’s like she is giving her final call to the world. And that concludes this song. It is the most beautiful song, it is such a special song to me.

It feels like a breath of fresh air, it feels like honesty, openness, and screams need to be heard, and everyone needs to scream like this at some point, I really believe it. It reminds me of the parallel to the line in Graceland too, “she knows she lived through it, to get to this moment,” I imagine the sensation Phoebe must feel as she screams this lyric, every night, “The end is near, the end is here.” There is so much depth in that.

graceland too

This is a song about the aftermath of Julien’s time in rehab. its basically what Phoebe knows or can imagine happened, through her eyes. Having this new freedom of being able to be on your own, without having the eyes of mental health professionals on you. Its this idea similar to an 18 year old who has just been able to leave their parents’ house and be independent because it is legal now, and are able to make their own decisions now. They are no longer under the care of anyone, legally, and they can do whatever they want. Its this freedom that has a lot of danger and fear of the unknown, because you realize you are no longer needing to stick to anyone’s rules and can do whatever you want.

The struggle is never over, you dont just get cleared, and dry up, and it is a lifelong struggle. This song shows the hardships of knowing what to do with yourself, knowing what your life will become now that you are free of the snare you put upon yourself, because you knew you couldn’t control yourself. It makes one feel young again, to feel so new to the idea, so fresh, this concept of doing what you want and being on your own. Yet now, you have this knowledge that this is not just a luxury, and there is a lot of responsibility that is carried with being o.n your own.

This song has Julien Baker and Lucy Dacus singing backup, and it has a real feeling of friendship and love. Phoebe always says this song, above all else, is a love song - she announces this on tour before she plays it (“This songs about being in love, and about loving someone, and it making you want to be a better person, which is nice.”) This song is a song of love from an outsider, to a person who is obviously still struggling, despite them healing htemselves in many ways that are maybe more visible to an outsider. But it is not denying the fact that Julien is still going through the battle, is still fighting for herself every day, now that she is alone, maybe more than ever. She has the option to do anything, and she has to actually choose to do the right thing. There is a quote that says, “Usually, you have to choose between doing what you want to do, and doing what is right for you. And usually, the two are not linked in your mind.” This song is about choosing what is right over what you feel your gut is telling you to do.

Its about knowing that people supporting you is one of the best ways that you can grow, and learn to be alone. Its a paradox: you cant learn to be alone without other people’s guidance, and if you were in an unnatural place where you knew you had no options to do what you wanted because you were under people’s control, it can be hard to want that. There is a big difference between being positivly inflienced by others and being told what to do, and it is the same difference between a teenager going out on their own, searching for their life, and a person leaving rehab, searching for theirs. There is this knowledge that you have been told for so long what to do that you have lost your personal grasp of what is right and what you should do. The paradox of it is that you cant be alone, ever. You cannot ghost everyone in your life and just be okay. You can be alone and independent, while knowing you need people you love, and who love you, around to guide you. We as humans always need loved ones around, even the most independent ones. This song is about how Julien doesnt have to go through this alone, and that her friends are there for her, and that they love her, that they are going through it all with her. This offers an equal sense of burden as it does relief. You are freed from being chained to just yourself and your thoughts, and you have other people around, always, to be there and care for you. When you need somebody, they will be there and will do whatever it takes.

I also think that is something not always given to everyone. This promise. People will say, “im here for you, i promise.” But when things get too bad, its easy for them to make excuses and stray away, and decide that its not right or healthy for themselves, to be there for people who struggle. And while there is a lot of truth to people needing to take care of themselves, and distance themselves from people who are hurting, and may be a bad influence, people do not realize that that is not fair, and that is why people go to facilities, but that time there can only last so long. And there comes a time where individuals have to be alone again and live a more independent life, if they wish for it, and this is the place Julien was at, when she was deemed ready to be alone, not a danger. But a lot of people relapse, because they do not have people around them, supporting them, in the aftermath. The reason is that it is not over when you step out of those halls. You are away from the chains that you had put on yourself, and a lot of people may be scared to be around somebody who has been through so much, and it can feel easy to distance themselves and put themselves around people who are “good influences,” but honestly, that alienates the ones who are considered “bad influences,” or too much to handle, and that creates this isolation that hurts them. this song is about sacrifice, too, beyond just love. It’s about putting what you think you may need aside and being selfless. Maybe it’s not always easy to be there for somebody unconditionally. Maybe it’s not always good for you. But the truth, at the end of the day, is that if you are stronger than them, you have the ability to put those fears and feelings aside and know that what you are doing is the right thing. This is echoing the quote I mentioned. What you are doing might not be the best for you, but it is the right thing, the kind thing, and the decent thing, to do. To sometimes push away your own needs, and be there for someone, because you know they do not have the luxury to walk away from themselves like you can. That is what Phoebe conveys in this song.

No longer a danger to herself or others.

This is a call to the legal terminology on the risk assessment, a way for professionals to judge if a person needs to be in an inpatient facility. It is a nod to a psych ward or rehab.

She made up her mind and laced up her shoes,

This goes to that line on Lucy Dacus’ track please stay, referencing her empty shoes in the hall. This concept of shoes represented at first Juliens inability to leave her home, how she stayed in bed all day, and now they removed her shoelaces from her because they could be a danger to her. These shoes are representative of her freedom, always separated from her either by herself or others. She cant have the basic things that humans have like the ability to leave, to go on walks, to put on her shoes. Making up your mind has a double meaning. Obviously it is a common term that means deciding something, and not going back on it. She knows what she will do and she will put on her shoes and trust that they are not a danger to her, and she will leave and gain her freedom. In another way, it is saying she “made up” her mind. When somebody is “made up,” it is like saying they are “dolled up,” that they have made themselves look pretty. She has given her mind a sort of makeover, if you will. She has made it up, made it a more beautiful thing, that she can live with and stick with. So she has changed her mind, int he sense that she has made it a safe one. She has been working on her mind and mental stability, so that she can live.

Yelled down the hall but nobody answered.

This is another reference to please stay, the use of the word hall, but this refers to the facility’s halls, of the place she was in. It calls out the fact that she is on her own now - no body will answer her. She is no longer needing assistance, she is no longer an importance to people that she felt so important to. They regarded her life so dearly, but nobody answered anymore because they believe she is safe, and her problems are unimportant now that she is deemed as healthy and fine, and clean. Once you are legally okay to be on your own, those people wont check on you and dont care about you anymore. You realize it was all just their job. It can be a sinking feeling, that you were never actually cared for, by the people who took care of you and kept you alive. Your feelings are not important anymore, because as long as you are not a danger to yourself, your feelings are passable like anyone else’s. She is alone, on her own, and that can be painful too, even though she craved freedom.

So she walked outside, without an excuse.

In please stay, we talked about the idea that people with depression often feel they need a real reason to leave their house, to get up. She wouldn’t leave unless she actually had a cause, because going out can sometimes be too much to bear. It can be too difficult, and its not as easy as people saying, “Im going to go for a walk. Im going to go on a stroll down the lane.” Its a scary thing, and a lot of people who arent taking care of themselves wont think these acts are necessary and unless they have a real reason, they wont. In julien’s case, that washappening, she would just living in her misery, and not changing it, or doing anything. A lot of mental health professionals will say going on a walk will really help with depression and anxiety, but taking care of yourself takes a great deal of effort and a lot of people wont listen to these good advice maybe out of skepticism or doubt, thinking they are too far gone, and none of these small bits of self care will help them. That can be true, but there is always room to try, and that’s what Julien is coming to terms with. And also, its saying she doesn’t need an excuse anymore to leave, because before she needed permission, or an excuse to leave the facility for a while. Now she has that ability, and she can go wherever she wants without anyone permission, without an excuse, and she has nothing to prove to anyone for why she is leaving.

She could do anything she wants to. She could do whatever she wants to do.

The chorus is such a beautiful mantra. It gives this freedom that we dont realize we have unless it is taken away from us. As adults, we know we have this freedom to do whatever we want, but it never really sinks in, the real depth of that, because obviously we have rules created by society, but genuinely, when you are at a certain point, you get a sense of how life is so much freer than we tell ourselves. There are so many things we can do on a whim, if we feel like it. Not everything needs a deep thought, we can choose anything we wish to do. I think a lot of people with anxiety think everything through, and have to plan out every action they do out of fear, but the truth is when you have that freedom again, you realize you could do absolutely anything. You could drive to the beach and jump into the cold ocean, if you wanted to right now. Not everything needs a reason, or a purpose. We can do things just because we can, because of our ability. It is also a scary thought, that we and anyone can do anything. If we live in a world where everyone is so free, it can be both scary and beautiful. Also, its this knowledge that Julien has grown so much and she is able now to do things, when before she couldn’t. Its this noticing from Phoebe that her friend is so capable and able to do anything she wants to, and she has this strength that she didn’t have in her prior.

Its also this feeling that sometimes people get after a depressive episode, that they can do anything, like this great power is upon them. They feel like they dont have reprecussions and they almost feel as though they are invincible. It takes a while to get a proper state of balance again.

She could go home, but shes not going to.

I think going to the fact that this is a track on punisher, “home” is a term Bridgers uses so many times - in garden song, chinese satellite - that home is this magical place where you are free and at peace. We dont know if she means home as an actual physical place on this earth or a state of mind, or something metaphysical, but what we do know is that Bridgers longs for home so often. Home can sometimes be taken away from you, places will never be guaranteed forever for you. For Bridgers, home may be a place of peace and a mental state, but for Julien, she may be referencing the actual home where she crumbled and fell apart, whether there is liquor, alcohol, and drugs in the cabinets, or a place that she knows she could always go relapse in. Its this decision that she is not going to that place, not the place she came from.

So she picks a direction, its 90 to Memphis

Julien said, “there used to be this thing called Graceland Too. It was this guy in his house full of memorabilia. It was kind of creepy, but it was kind of awesome. It was like a cult legend, and if you went out to his house in the sticks, if you drobe out there, and bought him a six pack of coca cola, he would show you around his house where he lived alone with all this memorabilia. When he died it was in the paper, and everyone collectively mourned the owner of graceland too, and if you went three times, you got this little card that said ‘lifetime member of graceland too.’ Little disparities like that between the real and between pop culture significance and the cult bizarness of Memphis.” If we stop and think about this for a second, its this place that worships somebody so much, a pretend world, that is real. An actual place that sounds like it is pretend, while pretending to be something else, in that trippy contradictory way. It makes you think if we keep altering and worshipping people, they never really die or disappear. It feels like this tradition that somebody keeps alive and everyone knows about it, until they become their own icon - a person who worships an icon so much will become an icon to others, and its this cycle of people gaining fame for worshipping people, and i think this calls to music. A lot of artists are so deeply influenced by other artists, that it will lead them to create music, and those new artists are worshipped by another rising artist, who will be influenced by them. We see this with Phoebe and her idol Elliot Smith, and then now there are people like me who worship Phoebe herself so much. She created music based on his, and its such an interesting way humans are so dependent on one another, and how we love to worship those we love, looking up to them and letting them influence our lives. We all want someone to revere, someone to guide us on our paths.

Turns up the music so thoughts dont intrude, predictably winds up thinking of elvis.

When Julien drives by Memphis, where she is from, she is choosing not to go there, but she is recalling her time there, and she doesn’t want to think too many things, so she turns up the radio and lets herself not think about the darkness that is held in her past. She tries to only think of the lightness, and that can be hard to do. I think a lot of people who have intrusive and pressing thoughts going too fastfor them, have this coping mechanism where they will play music really loud, whether it is playing music on an instrument, or turning on the radio that makes them feel good, and then playing it full volume. Personally, I will play my music so loud that it will feel like my eardrums are going to burst, until I can hear ringing in my ears, and it feels so wonderful. I feel music vibrations going through my veins, the same way I do when I go to concerts. I will see people with earplugs at shows, and I understand some people have medical reasons, but I think of how I am so different, how i need to absorb every inch of sound. i think sound is one of the most beautiful and influential, and power senses. It is so important to me to feel it, and its crazy the effect that music can have on people, especially artists. You cant change what you see - you can try to magnify it, but it doesn’t change that its the same image, and it wont overpower you. But with sound, with music, you can turn it up until you feel it physically, and you feel the bass rattling your insides, and you feel everything going through your bloodstream. Its just a sense that you dont really get with anything else. It can feel like using, almost. Like you are suddenly high on the sounds from the amps. It is a way of clearing your brain that will be so overstimulated by the sound, and its a great juxtaposition to your brain being stimulated by your own thoughts, by yourself. Its a perfect way to tune out, and numb your brain, without doing anything physical to yourself. Its a way to push away those thoughts for a little bit, and dissociate in a good way where you dont have to think about anything, just drive. I notice, with myself, people will get into my car, and hear my music, and say “this is so loud!” and i’m thinking, i turned it down for you! its moments like that where i realize that not everyone wants to burn their brains out with music until they cant feel a thing anymore, that’s not a universal concept. I have to remind myself of this, because music is not to be listened to in the background of your life. Music is everything, it should be at full volume and it should invade my system, and i need to absorb it, have it scarred in every part of my brain so that it is there forever, and I think Julien and Phoebe can relate to this.

And wonders if he believed that songs could come true.

Can songs come true? Are songs wishes, in a way? Are songs, when you write them, prayers? If so, is that why some musicians and artists want their “prayers” that they relate to, that they hear in music, the way you do in church, where you go and hear others saying something and you repeat it, and you engrave it into your head, and you etch it into your system… are songs so different? We sing songs in religion, and in this case, if you revere an artist, in a way, they are an icon to you. Its almost like hearing a prayer from somebody you love, and relating to the prayer so much, and wanting the same thing. You repeat it and let it come into your system, hoping that if you listen and repeat it enough that it will become a mantra in your life, and will eventually come true. I think about that a lot. Are songs wishes?

If you write songs about things you want to come true…do you think the Universe can hear them?

Im asking for it, if they do.

This line in the second chorus gives me this happy melancholy. The way she sings it has so much plea and longing and hope, but with begging, too. Her voice’s high pitch is so beautiful, the way she says it. Shes saying that if these songs can come true, if somebody is listening out there, she is begging them to listen to her song, listen to her one wish. She begs for it to come true. It goes into the concept of music being so powerful that it can save lives and alter our brains, it can block out thoughts and feelings, while also creating feelings we didn’t know we had. Maybe music can make wishes come true, and make miracles.

This is what she is asking for with this song. It is her sung wish. A way of making her thoughts and wishes into more tangible and real things.

Doesnt know what she wants, or what shes gonna do.

This idea that Julien’s entire future is a thick layer of fog, and she cant see what it will be. She lives in this vague idea of what her life is going to be, which can be scary. But it can also be freeing, knowing she has no set plan, that she is taking things very much in the present, doing everything she needs to do in the moment.

You dont need to think about the future all the time. With her, with this fresh start, she doesn’t know what she is going to do, and she is a strong person, without any idea of what the future holds.

This next line is a reference to Tom Petty. Bridgers was influenced by Petty and she even did a cover of Itll all work out, on her album stranger in the alps.

A rebel without a clue.

She said in an interview with NPR, “I steal from a couple people and try to pass it off as a reference, I have a rebel without a clue line, a Replacements line that Tom Petty already stole from them which is hilarious, so Im just stealing it again.” From the song, Into the great wide open. The thing about music is that there is no new chord progression. Everything is, in a way, borrowed, not stolen. There will never be a new note or chord, everything is being recycled and resampled, and taken to mean different things for each individual artist’s music. So this can be done with lyrics. If a lyric really strongly effects you and alters your thoughts, influencing you to write a song, of course you have the validity to add it to your music, and it will represent something different to each person. Rebel without a clue in itself is a juxtaposition. When we think of rebels, we think of strong, fearless people who know exactly what they are doing, and they are going against society, going against rules. And yet, this idea of Julien being a rebel, going against what she is told to do, she still has no idea what she will do with that freedom and rebellion. Its a cool, unmasking way of showing the vulnerability of even those who seem so strong and undaunted.

We get into a post chorus where we hear Julien and Lucy singing with Phoebe, and then to an incredible bridge. Phoebe doesn’t do bridges that often, and we know from this that the reason why is not because she cant write good ones. This is an incredible bridge, a masterpiece. I think, speaking about how people reuse and use other people’s music and let them influence their songs, in contrast this is pure Phoebe right here. It is unreplicable, so incompatible to anything because it is so nuanced and individual for only Phoebe. Only she could write such a perfectly constructed line of lyrics that have so much depth with personal factors of her and Julien, an experience that she had using metaphors.

So we spent what was left of our serotonin

I think this is both saying we only have so much chemical happiness in us, especially people who use antidepressants. they take serotonin to up their happiness, and it can also be found in a lot of drugs. She is saying that they used the rest of the drugs they had when they reunited. The reason people can feel this “down” after a Molly trip is because Molly amplifies the serotonin they naturally have, all at once, and then “spends” all of it in that one trip.

To chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon.

MDMA, Ecstacy, Molly, whatever you want to call the drug, has that serotonin, but also side effects like chewing on your cheeks, nervousness, and nausea. She says she used what was left of it while looking and the moon, which depicts this beautiful image of them looking at the sky and talking about what their lives have been, what may come, and looking at the greater universe, hoping for more out there. The moon is very representative of Phoebe herself, because she wonders so much about what is in the universe, what else is out there, what the moon means, and she takes a lot of fascination in it, how it is able to light up the sky across so much distance. This is a memory of Phoebe doing Molly with her friends in nature and staring at the moon.

Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment.

While they are talking, having these deep thoughts, Julien said this. It is one of the most touching lines. We all want this feeling, where you get to the top of the mountain and look down at the valley, and realize all of the work you pushed through to get through to get to that moment was worth it, and that maybe there was a reason for it, to get you here. That you have reached the point you thought you would never get to. That you thought would never come, of feeling free from the darkness that was the past.

Ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor, and i knew that I would do anything you want me to, I would do anything for you. I would do anything, I will do anything, whatever you want me to do, I will do.

The saltines are a good way to help with nausea, and that represents the aftermath of taking the drug. Its a niche portrayal of what they were doing together. Its this simple task, like in Lucy Dacus’ please stay, which is why I relate them so much, where the singer notices the little things Julien does, like eating saltines on the floor. Sometimes the littlest things can make you realize how much you love someone, the same way the littlest things can say so much, in please stay. When Phoebe saw Julien doing that, she knew. I think this line means “I love you.”

Doing anything for somebody is the best way to say “I love you.” Selflessness and being so willing to be there for somebody is a true sign of sincere love. The repetition of I would do anything, is like the repetition on Halloween, where she says I will be anything you want. This difference in the two lines - one is a sign of changing yourself, and one is a way of being there and willing to take a bullet for another person, to do whatever. In an interview with Apple Music, Phoebe explained, “Caring about somebody who hates themselves who is self destructive is one of the hardest things about being a person, to me.”

All you can do for somebody is be there for them. And that sounds like a little thing. People say, “ill always be there for you.” But, when it actually comes down to that, being there unconditionally takes so much effort and so much willingness, so much sacrifice. It is not as easy as it sounds. The fact that Phoebe means it so truthfully, that she explains, “yes, it is the hardest thing.” But she is never leaving. She will never stray away and decided that person is too much for her. Its this comfort to know that there will never be a breaking point for someone you love, that they will never say, “youre too much, I cant handle you.” Instead, no matter what, Phoebe says, “I love you too much to ever let go.”

I think that kind of promise is a way of sealing her wish, of Julien getting better. Its her helping her own wish come true. Its a pure example of unconditional love.

Whatever she wants, whatever she wants

Whatever she wants, Whatever she wants

We hear Julien and Lucy in the background, answering Phoebe with Whatever you want. The thing is, when you are there for people, its not one sided. They will be there for you, too, when you need it. Thats what is so beautiful about connection and love. Its never always going to be one-sided.

The outro is this repetition, this way of trying to convey the idea Phoebe has, the same way Lucy repeats Please Stay, Phoebe repeats, Whatever she wants. Julien knows that her best friends want her presence so much, and that they will do anything. They have stuck with her through it all, the distance and time and space, and they are aware this isn’t the end of the pain, but they will stick with her through it, because they have done it so far.

Phoebe hears Whatever you want sung back to her by her two best friends, and its this way of closing the song with the three of them promising one another they will always stick by one another, forever.

This is one of the most beautiful songs, and I wanted to mention how different the sound is on this track of the record. This song has a pure bluegrass, Americana, folksy song that we dont hear in a lot of Bridgers’ songs, but that is one of the main types of music Phoebe listens to, besides rock and roll. There is such a big contrast between listening to heavy metal and simple banjo acoustic songs, and being one or the other all the time. Always wanting some extreme of a music genre. I think the reason she chose to do this song to that sound, is because I think her different relationships with women versus men have a different sound and feel to her. This kind of feeling of love that is pure and honest, without darkness, represents exactly what country ballads like this sound like. Whereas so many of her other rock songs that have these dark messages, sound much darker themselves. Usually, these are around her male relationships or about her mental health and have a dark edge. I think that’s what represents the unique sound of this album.

My friend actually pointed this out to me when we were driving up to North California, and listening to this whole record. When we got to this song, she turned to me as I was driving, and said, “This is such a different sound, from everything else we’ve heard. I bet it’s because this is about her love for a woman.” It’s a real love song, while the rest were about one sided love or about wanting to get better mentally yourself. But even though this song is about something so heartbreaking, there is a happy ending, and it really reflects wishes and hopes. That is why it has a positive, light sound, with the country violin, and I think it almost sounds like what you would imagine the scene she paints in the bridge to look like.

I think this is a beautiful portrayal of Julien’s story.

please stay

I first listened to this song when I was driving to Los Angeles, in the morning, super early. I am usually somebody who when I first listen to a song - it doesn’t affect me the first time. I don’t get the bone-tingling resonance that people talk about. I have to really look into the song and think it over because usually the first time I am listening to a song, Im listening to the melody, and the lyrics won’t impact me as much.

This song instantly made me cry, after the first two lines of the track. I have never had that experience before - where I listen to a song, just the first lines, and I’m immediately weeping. I’ve never had a reaction so immediate to a song, and I think I had to pull over, in my car, to finish listening to the song, and have a good little cry. This song is impactful. I think that Lucy is the best lyricist out of the three members of Boygenius. She just has a way with words that makes her more of a poet, than anything else. she perfectly encapsulates watching somebody else struggling, with her lyrics. She makes it so personal and so resonant. And so real. I love the way she can talk about very small things, that can lead to a much bigger picture. Her words, incredibly, have an effect on me, when a lot of songs won’t the first few times. They also have a lot of imagery. You can really picture the scenes she describes, you can visualize it.

Your clothes in the dryer, your hair on the shower wall

To give a backstory, by this line I had tears coming down my face. There is something so human so real about these little actions that say so much between the lines. It really gets me.

She is listing all of these different things that aren’t done or are not taken care of. Simple, small tasks, basically, that Julien (her best friend) can’t accomplish. When somebody is really struggling with their mental health, usually it will either go to two extremes; leaving everything undone, or doing too much…usually, it is the former. And not having the stability to accomplish small everyday tasks is what she is describing here. In an interview, Julien talked about how doing laundry is an issue for her because she has OCD which makes it a struggle to do small tasks for fear they won’t be done right. Sometimes it’s just easier to leave things as they are, and not to intervene with those objects - just letting them be.

It’s also not having the strength to do things that are necessarily vital to your survival - even those things are not super easy to achieve. It’s not having the mental capability to do these things, and a lot of people would think these are such mundane and easy, mindless actions. to people who have internal mental battles, it may not be quite so mindless, in fact, they may take every effort in the world, and they may not have the ability or the energy to accomplish them.

This is really just. depicting what it would look like when Lucy walks into Julien’s apartment and sees the way she’s been living and is beginning to see the evidence. Sometimes people really need proof to believe someone is really struggling and I think a person’s living space and the way they take care of themselves is a really good example of proof.

Your toothbrush is too much, your shoes empty in the hall

Your keys on the counter, your dirty dish in the sink

Showing that Julien is not taking care of herself in the way she is not brushing her teeth, not taking care of her basic things that humans need to take care of themselves. Not putting away things, leaving things out… If somebody walks into the apartment of somebody who is mentally ill or struggling, they are going to have proof, just from that. A lot of people with real depression don’t see a reason in life, and also then will not see a reason to maintain the things that come as an addition to life, like taking care of yourself, and doing daily practices that to a lot of people are routine. When you really begin to question why you are even doing these things, it makes you question if you should still do them, if it’s leading you anywhere.

These are obviously questions that people who struggle with finding a reason in life have, and I think that in itself is proof enough of somebody’s mental health.

I think this line about shoes goes right into the next song ill analyze, referencing shoes, and here, their emptiness. She has no motivation to do anything, so therefore no reason to put her shoes on. They are always just sitting there, empty.

Please don’t make me see these things.

It’s paining Lucy to see these tiny little pieces of evidence, that could be seen as laziness. But Lucy understands there is a much deeper meaning for not doing these tasks. It’s not that she doesn’t want to, its if she could she would, and she just can’t. The fact that she cannot is visible to Lucy, and she is able to comprehend just how serious Julien’s situation is. Lucy knows the meaning behind these small things are, and she knows they are hints and omens to the possible future, a future that she doesn’t want to imagine.

A lot of times, it can be easy for loved ones to check out and be oblivious to the serious things in a person they love’s life because it can just hurt too much. They will compartmentalize because they don’t want to feel it, but for Lucy, she reads into it correctly. A lot of people may overlook these small things, because if a person looks okay, and they are able to talk, and are coherent, and they are going about their lives in other ways, these things are more likely to go unnoticed, but they have so much more meaning. They are crying for help. What makes Lucy such a good lyricist, and human being - an overall person - is that she is able to notice these small things and understand what they mean. It shows how close she is to Julien, and it also makes you wonder how much of mental health struggles have become a part of her, Lucy’s, life, that she notices these small things. How much of her is aware of smaller, unregarded struggles in mental health.

She is asking Julien, “don’t let things get worse.” In a way, she is saying her true feelings which is that she wishes she didn't have to see it, wishes she didn’t have to watch her friend go through this, she wishes she could just separate herself, but she cant. Also, she wants things to get better.

The books on your shelves that you never read

the music kicks in a bit more than just the single played-out chords, as Lucy describes more things she sees in this person’s home. I think books represent wanting to do things that are good for your well-being, and then just not doing it. Having the idea, but not carrying it out, for healing yourself. A lot of those small things Lucy describes, are not only things she understands are representative, but also noticing things that she doesn’t want to forget, in case…in case her words don’t work, and Julien loses the battle. She is trying to hold onto every single thing that was a part of Julien, and her life, so fragile in this state.

The hunting knife you kept by your bed, the flowers you dried and tied up with twine, suspended from the ceiling.

These are possibly more obvious signs of pain, as they both have the underlying meaning of temptations. They resemble suicide - having a knife by the bed, just in case. Having something suspended from the ceiling. These are theoretically important to Julien, and they show her trying to have keepsakes that mean things to her, things that may or may not bring her joy. But the things that give her joy could also be the things that kill her. Dacus notices the flowers she hung are dead, the most beautiful things eventually dry up and fade too.

You tell me you love me like it’ll be the last time. Like you’re playing out the end of a storyline.

A reflection on a conversation, how she can not only see these things, but she can read and hear meaning in a conversation with Julien, just by her voice. She explains how Julien tells her that she loves her, but what she hears is it could be the last time she is hearing that. Going into that books concept, again, with the term “storyline.” She feels that she is painfully experiencing this possible idea that Julien’s story is coming to an end, and she can hear it in her voice.

I say, “I love you too,” because it’s true, what else am I supposed to do?

She finishes playing out the conversation she had with Julien, and she is not expressing to her face all that she is understanding from her voice. She just responds “I love you too,” because it’s what she knows how to do, all that she knows how to say. I think this is the most killing lyric. You hear this hopeless and helplessness in Lucy’s voice, even though she is theoretically mentally okay, and not a danger to herself, but she feels completely lost with the idea that Julien may not be forever in her life. This idea that she could possibly have a way to fix this, but she doesn’t know what that is. She’s asking herself, the world, and Julien, what she can do, besides reply, “I love you too.” Because it’s the truest thing she knows. I think this line lets us in on Lucy’s feelings throughout all of this. She is lost, helpless, and painfully unaware of how to fix this if she can. It explains how she feels this burden on her back, she can’t walk away from this. She is supposed to do something, but she doesn’t know what.

Maybe bar the door when you move to leave.

She gives herself this idea of wanting to keep Julien in her vision line by not letting her leave her sight. She may just be also telling Julien to lock her door, to keep herself safe. To remind her that her safety matters.

Lucy said in an interview, “This is a song about being a friend to someone who doesn’t think they should continue living, and you’re desperately trying to do everything at your disposal, to tell them otherwise, everything feels like fair game. Do anything with your life, ruin it…dont’t end it. Just stay another day, that kind of thing. I’ve had a lot of friends throughout my life who have contemplated or committed suicide, and I’ve been involved to varying degrees, as someone they can talk to or physically be around. The sense of clarity in situations like that is so profound. Like the only thing that matters is that you are here.”

There is so much truth to what Dacus says. People get caught up often and that’s really what can lead to it. They aren’t thinking enough about really what life is, how much freedom you really have. You can do anything, as long as you stay alive. I think even her saying that is such a hopeful concept to remind Julien of. You don’t need to live this life the way you are living it. you have the option to change, but there is also a great naivete in that. In that, she doesn’t understand, first and foremost, that Julien is not at that point, of just being capable of switching things. It’s gotten beyond that, its gotten too far. she doesn’t know how to live, anymore, any life. Still, Lucy reminding Julien that her presence there is the most important thing it gives Julien this burden that ending her own life is not ending just her life. It is killing a part of her friend’s life. It’s putting into perspective, the effect your actions may have. A lot of times, people who struggle this way don’t think anyone wants them around, and this is Lucy having this insight that reminding somebody how much they belong in somebody’ else’s life is a good reminder that you aren’t alone. Your actions have effects on other people. Other people want you to stay alive, even if you don’t, and for that to be motivation.

I think you mean what you say, when you say you wanna die.

Exactly what I was saying before, this line is not brushing things off, it’s not making light of situations, and her words, just because you want to believe that they are just light, and not serious. It’s her saying, “I think I believe you.” Even though there is a way that anyone can look at the situation and think they are making light or being dramatic. Lucy is not doing that, she is believing Julien, when she says that she wants to die. She knows that that is not just a throw-around line, that it is serious. And she is not putting down, or making small of the words Julien says, because she is holding on to every word that she hears.

You can actually hear Phoebe Bridgers and Julien Baker singing backup harmony here, and the kind of reality it brings to this song is profound. We know that this song was written about Julien, and it was only out after Julien’s recovery, and being well again, which is a kind thing to do for Lucy. It can be easy to want to share your feelings with others while the event is happening, but also when what is happening is regarding somebody else’s life, you have to take that into consideration and thought and care. Now Julien is recovered, she is able to actually sing background, and it’s almost like proof, the way Julien sings the words proving that she did mean what she said because she is still here. There is such beauty and truth in those words, now that we have that proof that Julien is still here able to sing this song with Lucy. And Phoebe adds in vocals because she was also struggling when Julien was. The three of them are best friends, and when one suffers, the others do too. There is such a knowing feeling in the way they sing these lines, because each of them can resonate with these lyrics in different ways from their own experiences of going through it. I think it’s brilliant that the three team up to sing backup for both the track. The geniusness (no pun intended) of the others backing up one another, shows that even when the artists individually are singing solo, they are together, and their stories are interwoven. While they are backing up their voices, they are backing up each other, expressing that their feelings and music are valued, along with their experiences. How supportive they are of one another, that Julien is giving, in a way, her approval, by singing backup to this track. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for her to hear these words sung, knowing they were meant for her ears alone. It shows her just how true these words are, how important her life is to someone else. How supportive the three are of each other’s stories.

I think you mean what you say, when you say you want to stay alive.

Lucy also believes Julien when she tells the opposite, that she does, sometimes, want to stay on earth. It’s not all or nothing, she believes everything Julien says, essentially. Sometimes people who really don’t feel an intent for life can have times where they do want to be alive, and see the beauty of life, and see the good things, and it doesn’t negate that they at some point did not feel this way. They may not feel the same in the future, it is just the current feeling they have, and it doesn’t cancel out everything they ever said or felt. That little bit of hope is enough for Lucy, to believe this may not be the end after all.

Quit your job, cut your hair, get a dog.

And then we get to the bridge, and basically, now that she has a little bit of hope, she feels that she has that freedom to say all of the things Julien could possibly do besides ending her life. All of these things she’s listing, that people may take a long time to do, that they may think about for a while, she could do in a second, as she can do anything - as long as she doesn’t do the one thing. This goes back to what Lucy was saying, “Do anything with your life, just don’t end it.” Stay, one more day. These are all just alternatives of things that could give Julien some adrenaline, some sort of feeling. So, things to solve and lighten the burden.

Change your name, change your mind, change your ways, give them time.

Changing your identity and giving her the allowance of changing her mind, but also saying, in a hidden plea, (please change your mind.) and giving it time - its not going to be immediate, this change, it will take time. But just, give it more, and give her, Lucy, some more time, with Julien.

Go back to school, go back to sleep

she could do anything she wanted, or, she could just go back to sleep. She doesn’t need to do anything if she doesn’t want to, she could also just do nothing. nothing. Either do these things or nothing.

Tell the secrets you can’t keep. Begin, be done, break a vow, make a new one.

Telling secrets is a way to get things off of your chest, that are hurting you. Basically, Lucy is saying she can let things off your chest, it won’t matter, as long as she stays with her. You can go against your word, and start over.

Call me if you need a friend, or never talk to me again. But please stay.

Its this complete selflessness. She is taking all of the importance of herself. She is being so incredibly selfless that she would risk not having Julien in her life, as long as Julien keeps her own life. She is saying she will always be there for her, but she won’t force herself on her best friend if she doesn’t feel like talking. Anything Julien wants, Lucy will do it. Lucy would live with the pain of never talking to her best friend again if it is what Julien needs. It is basically offering herself up to Julien and saying, “Anything for you, even if it hurts me, and I will always be there for you, no matter.”

I think hearing that must be so profoundly comforting, to know that there is always someone around for you, that you are never truly alone. And besides all of these things, when we get to this outro, a repetition, a plea, a begging from Lucy… it is the only thing that will matter to Lucy, the only thing Julien must give her in return, the only thing that matters. Her one wish. After this song has played out, all that Julien needs to take away is just to stay. She begs Julien to stay in Lucy’s life, stay in her own life, to stay on this earth, it is the one thing she wishes. The repetition highlights how helpless and necessary it is for Julien to listen to her, Lucy. A lot of times, when people are in a crisis, they will repeat what they need, and this is what Lucy does here. The way her voice breaks on the last please, makes it so real, and proves that this is not a fictitious story, but it is real, and based on somebody.

Despite the sadness of this song, it made me wonder how much this song really helped, how music saves and keeps people alive. We know for a fact that Julien did stay. She is sober, and though we can only say on speculation, she seems better. She is able to perform again, she is able to show up, to live with two people, her best friends, on tour. She is doing the things that keep her alive, and that’s enough. We know that she is currently winning at this battle and that is a beautiful, hopeful sentiment we can take away, a present we are at. This song is so meaningful to me, and I think it goes beyond life and death, but begging for things to stay as they are, and not get worse. I think a lot of people can relate to that, and believe that we will stay where we are, and just hope it won’t get worse, or believe in the possibility, that maybe, just maybe, things could get better. How cool is that?

But please stay.

But please stay.

But please…

Stay.

boygenius at pomona theatre

I had the pleasure of being able to see Boygenius’ reunion in person, when I saw their debut album performed live on their opening night of tour last week. It was truly a night to remember. The overall feel of their album is a perfect combination of Julien Baker’s rock, Lucy Dacus’s romantic and quirky lyrics, and Phoebe Bridgers’s heart-wrenching acoustic pieces. The three artists combine in a way that is seen in many rock bands, but with the touch of indie that we love in their solo work. The three can be compared with Crosby, Stills, and Nash, which they often get by interviewers, and can agree that their influence is largely based on them. Their first EP, self-titled, which made its debut in 2018, has a cover replicating Crosby, Stills, and Nash’s debut album. While with their placement in the photo, it would seem Phoebe as Grahm Nash, Julien as Stephen Stills, and Lucy as Dave Crosby, when asked in interviews who they think each member is most like, the three will all say Neil Young, in fact. Though they jokingly compete over who is most like Young, they all have a point in their argument. Phoebe brings the fame factor to the group, having opened for Taylor Swift, being nominated for a Grammy, and having the largest following. Her solo work is also clearly influenced by his early work, with her incorporating Americana bluegrass in songs like Graceland, Too. She has said in many interviews he is one of her biggest inspirations, and that her favorite song is On the Beach, by Young. Julien provides the rock element that Young brought to the group, and Lucy offers her witty lyricism, as he did, too. This is not the only time the supergroup has been compared with men bands, such as Nirvana, as they replicated their iconic Rolling Stones magazine cover, when Boygenius had a feature cover on their own issue. The title itself states that they want to be first and foremost equal to any male rock group, and not an all-women rock group. Their album definitely stood up to many rock debut albums, male or female.

When I arrived at the theatre, the show was sold out, which makes sense, as it was their opening night - and just that they’re so good. I figured when I arrived, “It is what it is.” I was lucky to at least have GA tickets, so I would be closer to the front no matter what, than Balcony or Mezzanine. The thing for me is that I want to always get floor tickets because having seats is pointless in my experience. I want to be as close as I can to an artist when I see them live, but I knew, at this point, I was going to be in the back. People had been apparently waiting for a full day, which I’ve done before, and I know what it’s like. I have a lot of respect for those fans, but I felt that being alone, it wasn’t a good idea to stand around for hours out front, so I took what I could get. Eventually, I noticed two or three people exit the floor area, and immediately a male guard came to me and asked me, “Are you alone?” I nodded, and he said, “Okay, come with me.” excited, out of my mind, I followed him, as I heard somebody saying, “I want to go too,” behind me. He led me down the ramp, and I tried not to grin too broadly and not to squeal, as I made my way to the floor. I turned and saw he was walking further to the front, so I followed him until he brought me to the barricade. I couldn’t believe my luck, I was flying high. He squeezed me in, and I thanked him many times, showing him my boygenius tattoos all over my arms and chest. He told me he was also a roadie, and that “these are the memories you make when you’re a fan.” I nodded and looked around. Many young teen girls were surrounding me, all with groups of friends. I felt as though I was the only girl who had come alone, which may have been true. Every time I would tell people I went to shows alone, they seemed shocked at my bravery. To me, it will always be about the music, first and primary. I will never change my plans simply because I don’t have a friend to go with. To many people, I think going to concerts is really a social experience, but to me, it is a sacred thing between myself and the artist. I view it as a way to bond with my favorite artists and spend time with them, not anyone else. I also love going with my friends to shows, but it is not as vital to me as it may be to others. As I was waiting, I heard some rustling and looked to my left, as I was right by the stage’s entrance, with a sliding curtain covering it, which had just been drawn by Julien Baker herself, as she whispered something to the security guard. I was looking at her in awe the whole time, this artist who I loved so much, who I was about to see perform some of my favorite songs on earth, standing two feet beside me. She met my eyes, and smiled, and I felt like the most special person just to be seen by someone I admired so much. A few minutes later, Marshall Vore exited the stage exit, and I felt yet again awed.

The opening artists of the show were a band called the Illuminati Hotties, who had decent music but lacked a good stage presence, I think. They had slower, quirky music that definitely was a similar vibe to Boygenius, without its rock and roll element. When the band left, I saw the microphones getting adjusted and began to figure out which band member would stand where. The middle microphone was lowered, so I figured Julien would be in the center of the stage. The right side, furthest from me, was raised, so I figured Lucy would stand on that side, which left the other microphone to belong to Phoebe’s. This was a moment of pure joy, as I have stated before I adore Phoebe as an artist more than anyone else in this world. I was truly ecstatic. The boys came on stage with the song playing, “The boys are back in town,” very on the nose for the occasion. The stage went silent as the cheers died, and the three gathered around one microphone, singing their opening a capella track quickly, “without you, without them,” only singing about the first verse. The crowd roared with applause before the artists took their places and the first notes of “20$” played, just like on the track list of the album. This is a Julien song through and through, as she sings all of the main vocal parts, until the outro as Phoebe adds in the background, “May I please have 20$, can you give me 20$, I know you have 20$!” and screams loudly very on character, as the rest of the band lost it and played their guitars loudly. The crowd screamed along, akin to when Phoebe screams in her last track on her album punisher to her song “i know the end.”

From there, without stopping, they played “Satinist,” Another hard rock song where each person has a verse, but keeps Julien’s rock theme alive. At the first instrumental, after Phoebe sings “i burn my cash and smash my old TV,” the band members, particularly Julien, fully “rocked out,” on stage, as Julien thrashed her head as she ran across the stage to Phoebe, where they jammed as the lights flashed red and white. It was the scene of a true rock and roll moment, and portrays this album as first and foremost, that kind of album.

From there, the audience went wild, and there was a pause before Phoebe led into her solo single, “Emily Im Sorry.”

When the album was announced to be released, they released three singles: “20$, Emily Im Sorry, and True Blue,” a very methodical selection, as it depicts the three overall musical genres on this album, along with the solo styles of each artist. 20$ is Julien through and through, with the highly rock feel, and the funny car-themed lyrics, like “How long’s the Chevy been on cinder blocks?” and the screams.
”Emily Im Sorry”, even with the title itself, is evidently a Phoebe song, that she sings solo, with the others singing background vocals, just like on “20$.” The song is acoustic, and mellow, with a melodic chorus with a slower tempo. The lyrics are sad and vulnerable, with lines like, “Im 27 and I dont know who I am.” Finally, “True Blue,” which is Lucy’s song, has an airy, light feel to it with a more pop-sounding chorus. It has beautiful poetry laced into it, and the childhood reflection that Lucy often uses - it really displays Lucy’s writing, who is arguably the best lyricist out of the three. “Summer’s in your blood, you can’t help but become the sun.”

After the three singles were played, Julien switched to a banjo, and so I knew they would play “Cool About It,” the most bluegrass-sounding track on the record, with hints at Paul Simon’s “The Boxer.” As is typical for their song construction, Julien sings the first verse, referencing her Nashville roots. The chorus is sung by all three, before Lucy sings her verse, clearly reflecting on a past conversation shes had with wishful thinking. Finally, Phoebe sings the final verse, which opens with the most heartbreaking line, “once I took your medication to know what its like, and now I have to act like I cant read your mind.” Making it clear, this ending was obviously written by Phoebe, hinting back to her song “Moon Song” with lines like “I can walk you home and practice method acting, I Ill pretend, being with you doesnt feel like drowning,” As she often refers to water and drowning in her lyrics. From there, the band played tracks off of their first debut EP, with more acoustic tracks like “Souvenir,” and the song Id been waiting years to see performed live, "Me and My Dog. When the bridge came, Phoebe belted a high B note (which is seemingly impossible to many singers,” singing the line, “I dream about it, and I wake up falling,” as the crowd went wild, like they hadnt before, cheering her on as she maintained her long belt. As Lucy sang another solo song, “Leonard Cohen,” and Phoebe and Julien played their guitars to accompany her, Phoebe made eye contact with me, and smiled, and I wondered if she recognized me. If she remembered holding my hand at her final show of her last tour. I mouthed, “I love you so much,” to her, and she grinned harder. Lucy did her final solo song on the album, “Were In Love,” easily the most beautiful song lyrically, with gorgeous metaphors that you want to sink your teeth into, and poetic imagery, singing about hummingbirds, pink carnations, winter lunar halos, and walking in the Redwoods. Julien played the piano, and Phoebe sung the background vocals. Julien did her final solo song, Anti-Curse, which melodically hints back at one of their songs, “Salt in the Wound.” Phoebe sat down at the edge of the stage, right by the fans, as the lights dimmed and she sang her slowest, saddest ballad, “Letter to an old poet,” with lines like, “You think you’re a good person because you wont punch me in the stomach.” She calls back to the melody from Me and My Dog at the bridge changing the line from, “i wanna be emaciated, i wanna hear one song without thinking of you,” to “i wanna be happy, im ready, to walk into my room without looking for you,” in a tearful, sorrowful tone.

Though that is the closing track of the album, the band kept playing, finally doing their last single, “not strong enough,” released a week prior to their record, with a music video. Despite its very contemplative and sad lyrics, it has a perfect rock sound, upbeat and lighter than most of the other tracks. Even the way each person sings the line “I don’t know why I am the way I am,” really represents them as people, in each verse leading to the chorus. Phoebe sings it first, in a hopeless, self-deprecating tone, with a definition on “I don’t…know why…I am…The way…I am”. Julien sings with a hopeful tone as if she can believe she won’t always be the way she is. “I dont…know why I am the way I am.” Finally, Lucy sings it in a different way that highlights her own acceptance of the way she is “I don’t know why…I am the way I am.” the emphasis in pauses really reflects the artists’ belief on what is acceptable to be in society, what aspects of yourself are believed as good. They then played songs from their EP like “Salt in the Wound,” and “Bite the Hand,” the title of the latter influencing their matching wrist tattoos of outlines of a tooth, that are visible on the cover of their record. “Revolution 0 “, the final Phoebe solo song, has some beautifully sad lines like, “wish I wasnt so tired, but Im tired…” that sounds very much like one of her solo songs, with its slow tempo and the “ahhs” sung by all three members at the end, which was accompanied by rainbows of collored lights as the beat carried on.

Finally, Julien sang her solo, “Stay Down,” off of the EP, before Phoebe finally spoke into the microphone, for one of the only times that night. It was interesting how little they spoke, when at some concerts, artists will make real speeches or talk to fans. But they seemed deeply into their performance of music alone. Phoebe said, “Its a very special day. We didn’t have time to talk to you guys, honestly.” Lucy added, “But we have one more song. Well, its the only song you haven’t heard.” Phoebe continued, “We’re going to do this like we did in the good old days, we’re gonna get really close to you, and, uh, this means the world. Yeah. Fuck. This is awesome. Thanks. I love you, I love my boys. We will not be using microphones, so thats why well be really quiet. If you cant hear, from there, just, imagine it, I guess.” The crowd squeezed as close as they could to the front of the stage, to get closer. Phoebe said, “Wait, dont do that. Dont squish people. Everybody good?” As they proceeded to remove their microphones, get closer to the edge of the stage, and position themselves, with Julien to the left, Lucy centered, and Phoebe with her acoustic guitar on the right. Lucy rubbed some lipstick off of Phoebe’s shoulder, and she laughed, saying, “was that you?” before she began to play. They kept a very real, and genuine character the entire night.

Hearing their voices like that, so raw and real, without any change or amplified by a microphone, made them so very real and tangible, like they could be playing in a living room to their close family. It sounded so pure and refreshing to hear an artist’s true voice, which is rare for a concert, as many will be afraid to do so. But this band, overall, are not like others. They maintain themselves as artists, musicians, primarily. They are not as worried about their presentation as they are about conveying their sound to the world, and about being true to who they really are, making the show about the music most of all. The music they each wrote themselves, directly from their own heads onto paper and into chords. It felt like a small folk show, when in reality we were in a giant, packed theatre in Los Angeles. At the last chorus, a walkie talkie produced the sound of a person saying, “shoot, we’re late.” Because it was so quiet, we could hear it loudly and clear, and the three artists laughed. Even their laughs were so clearly showing their true characteristics, as people. Julien stuck her tongue out, and she hung her head down, laughing. Lucy looked a bit alarmed, but smiled serenely, maybe even annoyed at the pause of the beautiful moment the three had waited so long for. Phoebe smiled warmly, and looked to the other two, to see what they were thinking. She called out, “One sec! We’re almost done.” She continued playing, right as the three harmonized “oohs” at the end of the song, and Julien broke down laughing again. At the last chorus, Phoebe gestured at the crowd to sing along, who were silent for the first time, that evening. Julien apparently did not notice, for she looked fully surprised and confused when all of the voices filled up the room in a harmonic way. At the end, the three hugged and kissed one another, before exiting the stage.

Afterward, I got Phoebe’s guitar pick that the same security guard handed me, and I went around to the back of the venue by the exit stage door, where I spotted Marshall Vore, Phoebe’s ex-boyfriend and drummer in her band, exit before the three walked to their car about an hour later.

Overall, the band’s success only seems to be climbing, and with this show as their opening night, they left the crowd dazed, awed, tearful, and elated.

Phoebe Bridgers at the Greek Theatre

My first time seeing Phoebe Bridgers I had bought tickets on a whim. I had heard a couple songs by her, such as “Funeral,” and “Graceland too.” I loved her work, but didn’t know much about her. I was driving in the car with my dad, and I mentioned wanting to see her, and having seen that she was on tour. “get them!” he said. He had been a concert chaser as a young 20-year old, and always raised me with live music being a priority. I went home, bought them, and took my sister with me.

The first thing we noticed when we arrived at the Greek Theatre was how everyone was dressed. Girls in doc martins, boys wearing skeletons on their jeans, girls with skeleton or ghosts on their tank tops. The pattern was evident. Nearly everyone wore black. We got into the stadium and took our seats, outdoors, besides two girls. We took a look around and noticed, there were few boys around us, mainly teenage girls or college students. The two next to us were smoking a cigarette, and we declined, but thanked them. We talked for a while about our experiences in discovering Phoebe, and they said this was not their first show. i do believe it was the last time I would ever say I only knew a few songs by Bridgers, and that I was a moderate fan. It was definitely the only time I would be sitting in nosebleed seats seeing her, or even the only time I was not in the front row. Opening with “Motion Sickness,” A song I had heard once before but twas definitely her most famous song, and I would say it still is to this day. The crowd went wild, louder than any crowd I’d ever been in. When the song was over, the mood changed. We went from the typical concert feel tat I know of, with the upbeat poppy tune and loud guitars and radiant energy on stage, with a roaring crowd screaming along, to a sudden eerie tune, with the lights pitch black, except for the image displayed behind Bridgers of a large book entitled “Punisher.” The book had large ghosts and skeletons upon it, and the singer’s back was turned to us. Just the sound of the eery violins and the lonely trumpet playing a very creepy, melodic tune, setting the stage for the rest of the night. Then, the drums began as the page simultaneously turned on the screen, and the book opened upon an image containing a beautiful depiction of a green garden, with random meaningful images dispersed throughout it, that symbolized different aspects of the song. This occurs for every song off of the album “Punisher.” The page turns every song. Phoebe began to sing softly “Garden song",” a much softer, more indie-folk sounding tune describing a troubled childhood with a pained relationship with her mother. From there, the page turned to a scene in Japan with a flying car above. She switched guitars, and just like that, the woman standing in the skeleton printed black high collared dress began screaming the upbeat hit “Kyoto.” A complete juxtaposition to the last song, the song Kyoto is upbeat, and happy sounding, with major chords and trumpets, and of course, some of the most heartbreaking lyrics Id ever heard. (‘Im gonna kill you…If you don’t beat me to it” regarding her father.) As it was right around the time of Halloween, it was appropriate that she played her song “Halloween” to follow Kyoto, noticeably omitting the third track on the album, the title song, “Punisher.” From there, she played every song in chronological order off of the album, while interpersing songs from her previous debut album “Stranger in the Alps” like “funeral,” “smoke signals,” and “Motion Sickness.” Finally, she ended with the song “I know the end.” This song took me by surprise, with the flames that appeared on the stage, and the entire audience screaming avidly in a very haunting tone. She was not screaming in a sing-song way, but in more of an aspect that would invoke that someone had hurt her. Id never heard a more vulnerable note from an artist’s lips, and Id never felt such a power over me. I felt so much love for this woman, that the moment she left the stage, I missed her, for it felt like more than a concert. It felt like a storytelling of the truest and most heartfelt, tender, and deeply intimate moments of her life. I felt as though I knew her, and the feeling was shared, evidently, among the tear-streaked faces of the crowd. After the microphones and band left the stage, phoebe came back, carrying an acoustic guitar with a white background screen behind her. She played a cover of “that funny feeling,” and if we hadn’t felt connected to her before, we definitely did now. It could’ve been a performance seen at a small family gathering, for the entire crowd was quiet, and listening to her, performing humbly, with no one else on stage, just her and the guitar. This was the best show I had been to so far in my life.