graceland too

This is a song about the aftermath of Julien’s time in rehab. its basically what Phoebe knows or can imagine happened, through her eyes. Having this new freedom of being able to be on your own, without having the eyes of mental health professionals on you. Its this idea similar to an 18 year old who has just been able to leave their parents’ house and be independent because it is legal now, and are able to make their own decisions now. They are no longer under the care of anyone, legally, and they can do whatever they want. Its this freedom that has a lot of danger and fear of the unknown, because you realize you are no longer needing to stick to anyone’s rules and can do whatever you want.

The struggle is never over, you dont just get cleared, and dry up, and it is a lifelong struggle. This song shows the hardships of knowing what to do with yourself, knowing what your life will become now that you are free of the snare you put upon yourself, because you knew you couldn’t control yourself. It makes one feel young again, to feel so new to the idea, so fresh, this concept of doing what you want and being on your own. Yet now, you have this knowledge that this is not just a luxury, and there is a lot of responsibility that is carried with being o.n your own.

This song has Julien Baker and Lucy Dacus singing backup, and it has a real feeling of friendship and love. Phoebe always says this song, above all else, is a love song - she announces this on tour before she plays it (“This songs about being in love, and about loving someone, and it making you want to be a better person, which is nice.”) This song is a song of love from an outsider, to a person who is obviously still struggling, despite them healing htemselves in many ways that are maybe more visible to an outsider. But it is not denying the fact that Julien is still going through the battle, is still fighting for herself every day, now that she is alone, maybe more than ever. She has the option to do anything, and she has to actually choose to do the right thing. There is a quote that says, “Usually, you have to choose between doing what you want to do, and doing what is right for you. And usually, the two are not linked in your mind.” This song is about choosing what is right over what you feel your gut is telling you to do.

Its about knowing that people supporting you is one of the best ways that you can grow, and learn to be alone. Its a paradox: you cant learn to be alone without other people’s guidance, and if you were in an unnatural place where you knew you had no options to do what you wanted because you were under people’s control, it can be hard to want that. There is a big difference between being positivly inflienced by others and being told what to do, and it is the same difference between a teenager going out on their own, searching for their life, and a person leaving rehab, searching for theirs. There is this knowledge that you have been told for so long what to do that you have lost your personal grasp of what is right and what you should do. The paradox of it is that you cant be alone, ever. You cannot ghost everyone in your life and just be okay. You can be alone and independent, while knowing you need people you love, and who love you, around to guide you. We as humans always need loved ones around, even the most independent ones. This song is about how Julien doesnt have to go through this alone, and that her friends are there for her, and that they love her, that they are going through it all with her. This offers an equal sense of burden as it does relief. You are freed from being chained to just yourself and your thoughts, and you have other people around, always, to be there and care for you. When you need somebody, they will be there and will do whatever it takes.

I also think that is something not always given to everyone. This promise. People will say, “im here for you, i promise.” But when things get too bad, its easy for them to make excuses and stray away, and decide that its not right or healthy for themselves, to be there for people who struggle. And while there is a lot of truth to people needing to take care of themselves, and distance themselves from people who are hurting, and may be a bad influence, people do not realize that that is not fair, and that is why people go to facilities, but that time there can only last so long. And there comes a time where individuals have to be alone again and live a more independent life, if they wish for it, and this is the place Julien was at, when she was deemed ready to be alone, not a danger. But a lot of people relapse, because they do not have people around them, supporting them, in the aftermath. The reason is that it is not over when you step out of those halls. You are away from the chains that you had put on yourself, and a lot of people may be scared to be around somebody who has been through so much, and it can feel easy to distance themselves and put themselves around people who are “good influences,” but honestly, that alienates the ones who are considered “bad influences,” or too much to handle, and that creates this isolation that hurts them. this song is about sacrifice, too, beyond just love. It’s about putting what you think you may need aside and being selfless. Maybe it’s not always easy to be there for somebody unconditionally. Maybe it’s not always good for you. But the truth, at the end of the day, is that if you are stronger than them, you have the ability to put those fears and feelings aside and know that what you are doing is the right thing. This is echoing the quote I mentioned. What you are doing might not be the best for you, but it is the right thing, the kind thing, and the decent thing, to do. To sometimes push away your own needs, and be there for someone, because you know they do not have the luxury to walk away from themselves like you can. That is what Phoebe conveys in this song.

No longer a danger to herself or others.

This is a call to the legal terminology on the risk assessment, a way for professionals to judge if a person needs to be in an inpatient facility. It is a nod to a psych ward or rehab.

She made up her mind and laced up her shoes,

This goes to that line on Lucy Dacus’ track please stay, referencing her empty shoes in the hall. This concept of shoes represented at first Juliens inability to leave her home, how she stayed in bed all day, and now they removed her shoelaces from her because they could be a danger to her. These shoes are representative of her freedom, always separated from her either by herself or others. She cant have the basic things that humans have like the ability to leave, to go on walks, to put on her shoes. Making up your mind has a double meaning. Obviously it is a common term that means deciding something, and not going back on it. She knows what she will do and she will put on her shoes and trust that they are not a danger to her, and she will leave and gain her freedom. In another way, it is saying she “made up” her mind. When somebody is “made up,” it is like saying they are “dolled up,” that they have made themselves look pretty. She has given her mind a sort of makeover, if you will. She has made it up, made it a more beautiful thing, that she can live with and stick with. So she has changed her mind, int he sense that she has made it a safe one. She has been working on her mind and mental stability, so that she can live.

Yelled down the hall but nobody answered.

This is another reference to please stay, the use of the word hall, but this refers to the facility’s halls, of the place she was in. It calls out the fact that she is on her own now - no body will answer her. She is no longer needing assistance, she is no longer an importance to people that she felt so important to. They regarded her life so dearly, but nobody answered anymore because they believe she is safe, and her problems are unimportant now that she is deemed as healthy and fine, and clean. Once you are legally okay to be on your own, those people wont check on you and dont care about you anymore. You realize it was all just their job. It can be a sinking feeling, that you were never actually cared for, by the people who took care of you and kept you alive. Your feelings are not important anymore, because as long as you are not a danger to yourself, your feelings are passable like anyone else’s. She is alone, on her own, and that can be painful too, even though she craved freedom.

So she walked outside, without an excuse.

In please stay, we talked about the idea that people with depression often feel they need a real reason to leave their house, to get up. She wouldn’t leave unless she actually had a cause, because going out can sometimes be too much to bear. It can be too difficult, and its not as easy as people saying, “Im going to go for a walk. Im going to go on a stroll down the lane.” Its a scary thing, and a lot of people who arent taking care of themselves wont think these acts are necessary and unless they have a real reason, they wont. In julien’s case, that washappening, she would just living in her misery, and not changing it, or doing anything. A lot of mental health professionals will say going on a walk will really help with depression and anxiety, but taking care of yourself takes a great deal of effort and a lot of people wont listen to these good advice maybe out of skepticism or doubt, thinking they are too far gone, and none of these small bits of self care will help them. That can be true, but there is always room to try, and that’s what Julien is coming to terms with. And also, its saying she doesn’t need an excuse anymore to leave, because before she needed permission, or an excuse to leave the facility for a while. Now she has that ability, and she can go wherever she wants without anyone permission, without an excuse, and she has nothing to prove to anyone for why she is leaving.

She could do anything she wants to. She could do whatever she wants to do.

The chorus is such a beautiful mantra. It gives this freedom that we dont realize we have unless it is taken away from us. As adults, we know we have this freedom to do whatever we want, but it never really sinks in, the real depth of that, because obviously we have rules created by society, but genuinely, when you are at a certain point, you get a sense of how life is so much freer than we tell ourselves. There are so many things we can do on a whim, if we feel like it. Not everything needs a deep thought, we can choose anything we wish to do. I think a lot of people with anxiety think everything through, and have to plan out every action they do out of fear, but the truth is when you have that freedom again, you realize you could do absolutely anything. You could drive to the beach and jump into the cold ocean, if you wanted to right now. Not everything needs a reason, or a purpose. We can do things just because we can, because of our ability. It is also a scary thought, that we and anyone can do anything. If we live in a world where everyone is so free, it can be both scary and beautiful. Also, its this knowledge that Julien has grown so much and she is able now to do things, when before she couldn’t. Its this noticing from Phoebe that her friend is so capable and able to do anything she wants to, and she has this strength that she didn’t have in her prior.

Its also this feeling that sometimes people get after a depressive episode, that they can do anything, like this great power is upon them. They feel like they dont have reprecussions and they almost feel as though they are invincible. It takes a while to get a proper state of balance again.

She could go home, but shes not going to.

I think going to the fact that this is a track on punisher, “home” is a term Bridgers uses so many times - in garden song, chinese satellite - that home is this magical place where you are free and at peace. We dont know if she means home as an actual physical place on this earth or a state of mind, or something metaphysical, but what we do know is that Bridgers longs for home so often. Home can sometimes be taken away from you, places will never be guaranteed forever for you. For Bridgers, home may be a place of peace and a mental state, but for Julien, she may be referencing the actual home where she crumbled and fell apart, whether there is liquor, alcohol, and drugs in the cabinets, or a place that she knows she could always go relapse in. Its this decision that she is not going to that place, not the place she came from.

So she picks a direction, its 90 to Memphis

Julien said, “there used to be this thing called Graceland Too. It was this guy in his house full of memorabilia. It was kind of creepy, but it was kind of awesome. It was like a cult legend, and if you went out to his house in the sticks, if you drobe out there, and bought him a six pack of coca cola, he would show you around his house where he lived alone with all this memorabilia. When he died it was in the paper, and everyone collectively mourned the owner of graceland too, and if you went three times, you got this little card that said ‘lifetime member of graceland too.’ Little disparities like that between the real and between pop culture significance and the cult bizarness of Memphis.” If we stop and think about this for a second, its this place that worships somebody so much, a pretend world, that is real. An actual place that sounds like it is pretend, while pretending to be something else, in that trippy contradictory way. It makes you think if we keep altering and worshipping people, they never really die or disappear. It feels like this tradition that somebody keeps alive and everyone knows about it, until they become their own icon - a person who worships an icon so much will become an icon to others, and its this cycle of people gaining fame for worshipping people, and i think this calls to music. A lot of artists are so deeply influenced by other artists, that it will lead them to create music, and those new artists are worshipped by another rising artist, who will be influenced by them. We see this with Phoebe and her idol Elliot Smith, and then now there are people like me who worship Phoebe herself so much. She created music based on his, and its such an interesting way humans are so dependent on one another, and how we love to worship those we love, looking up to them and letting them influence our lives. We all want someone to revere, someone to guide us on our paths.

Turns up the music so thoughts dont intrude, predictably winds up thinking of elvis.

When Julien drives by Memphis, where she is from, she is choosing not to go there, but she is recalling her time there, and she doesn’t want to think too many things, so she turns up the radio and lets herself not think about the darkness that is held in her past. She tries to only think of the lightness, and that can be hard to do. I think a lot of people who have intrusive and pressing thoughts going too fastfor them, have this coping mechanism where they will play music really loud, whether it is playing music on an instrument, or turning on the radio that makes them feel good, and then playing it full volume. Personally, I will play my music so loud that it will feel like my eardrums are going to burst, until I can hear ringing in my ears, and it feels so wonderful. I feel music vibrations going through my veins, the same way I do when I go to concerts. I will see people with earplugs at shows, and I understand some people have medical reasons, but I think of how I am so different, how i need to absorb every inch of sound. i think sound is one of the most beautiful and influential, and power senses. It is so important to me to feel it, and its crazy the effect that music can have on people, especially artists. You cant change what you see - you can try to magnify it, but it doesn’t change that its the same image, and it wont overpower you. But with sound, with music, you can turn it up until you feel it physically, and you feel the bass rattling your insides, and you feel everything going through your bloodstream. Its just a sense that you dont really get with anything else. It can feel like using, almost. Like you are suddenly high on the sounds from the amps. It is a way of clearing your brain that will be so overstimulated by the sound, and its a great juxtaposition to your brain being stimulated by your own thoughts, by yourself. Its a perfect way to tune out, and numb your brain, without doing anything physical to yourself. Its a way to push away those thoughts for a little bit, and dissociate in a good way where you dont have to think about anything, just drive. I notice, with myself, people will get into my car, and hear my music, and say “this is so loud!” and i’m thinking, i turned it down for you! its moments like that where i realize that not everyone wants to burn their brains out with music until they cant feel a thing anymore, that’s not a universal concept. I have to remind myself of this, because music is not to be listened to in the background of your life. Music is everything, it should be at full volume and it should invade my system, and i need to absorb it, have it scarred in every part of my brain so that it is there forever, and I think Julien and Phoebe can relate to this.

And wonders if he believed that songs could come true.

Can songs come true? Are songs wishes, in a way? Are songs, when you write them, prayers? If so, is that why some musicians and artists want their “prayers” that they relate to, that they hear in music, the way you do in church, where you go and hear others saying something and you repeat it, and you engrave it into your head, and you etch it into your system… are songs so different? We sing songs in religion, and in this case, if you revere an artist, in a way, they are an icon to you. Its almost like hearing a prayer from somebody you love, and relating to the prayer so much, and wanting the same thing. You repeat it and let it come into your system, hoping that if you listen and repeat it enough that it will become a mantra in your life, and will eventually come true. I think about that a lot. Are songs wishes?

If you write songs about things you want to come true…do you think the Universe can hear them?

Im asking for it, if they do.

This line in the second chorus gives me this happy melancholy. The way she sings it has so much plea and longing and hope, but with begging, too. Her voice’s high pitch is so beautiful, the way she says it. Shes saying that if these songs can come true, if somebody is listening out there, she is begging them to listen to her song, listen to her one wish. She begs for it to come true. It goes into the concept of music being so powerful that it can save lives and alter our brains, it can block out thoughts and feelings, while also creating feelings we didn’t know we had. Maybe music can make wishes come true, and make miracles.

This is what she is asking for with this song. It is her sung wish. A way of making her thoughts and wishes into more tangible and real things.

Doesnt know what she wants, or what shes gonna do.

This idea that Julien’s entire future is a thick layer of fog, and she cant see what it will be. She lives in this vague idea of what her life is going to be, which can be scary. But it can also be freeing, knowing she has no set plan, that she is taking things very much in the present, doing everything she needs to do in the moment.

You dont need to think about the future all the time. With her, with this fresh start, she doesn’t know what she is going to do, and she is a strong person, without any idea of what the future holds.

This next line is a reference to Tom Petty. Bridgers was influenced by Petty and she even did a cover of Itll all work out, on her album stranger in the alps.

A rebel without a clue.

She said in an interview with NPR, “I steal from a couple people and try to pass it off as a reference, I have a rebel without a clue line, a Replacements line that Tom Petty already stole from them which is hilarious, so Im just stealing it again.” From the song, Into the great wide open. The thing about music is that there is no new chord progression. Everything is, in a way, borrowed, not stolen. There will never be a new note or chord, everything is being recycled and resampled, and taken to mean different things for each individual artist’s music. So this can be done with lyrics. If a lyric really strongly effects you and alters your thoughts, influencing you to write a song, of course you have the validity to add it to your music, and it will represent something different to each person. Rebel without a clue in itself is a juxtaposition. When we think of rebels, we think of strong, fearless people who know exactly what they are doing, and they are going against society, going against rules. And yet, this idea of Julien being a rebel, going against what she is told to do, she still has no idea what she will do with that freedom and rebellion. Its a cool, unmasking way of showing the vulnerability of even those who seem so strong and undaunted.

We get into a post chorus where we hear Julien and Lucy singing with Phoebe, and then to an incredible bridge. Phoebe doesn’t do bridges that often, and we know from this that the reason why is not because she cant write good ones. This is an incredible bridge, a masterpiece. I think, speaking about how people reuse and use other people’s music and let them influence their songs, in contrast this is pure Phoebe right here. It is unreplicable, so incompatible to anything because it is so nuanced and individual for only Phoebe. Only she could write such a perfectly constructed line of lyrics that have so much depth with personal factors of her and Julien, an experience that she had using metaphors.

So we spent what was left of our serotonin

I think this is both saying we only have so much chemical happiness in us, especially people who use antidepressants. they take serotonin to up their happiness, and it can also be found in a lot of drugs. She is saying that they used the rest of the drugs they had when they reunited. The reason people can feel this “down” after a Molly trip is because Molly amplifies the serotonin they naturally have, all at once, and then “spends” all of it in that one trip.

To chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon.

MDMA, Ecstacy, Molly, whatever you want to call the drug, has that serotonin, but also side effects like chewing on your cheeks, nervousness, and nausea. She says she used what was left of it while looking and the moon, which depicts this beautiful image of them looking at the sky and talking about what their lives have been, what may come, and looking at the greater universe, hoping for more out there. The moon is very representative of Phoebe herself, because she wonders so much about what is in the universe, what else is out there, what the moon means, and she takes a lot of fascination in it, how it is able to light up the sky across so much distance. This is a memory of Phoebe doing Molly with her friends in nature and staring at the moon.

Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment.

While they are talking, having these deep thoughts, Julien said this. It is one of the most touching lines. We all want this feeling, where you get to the top of the mountain and look down at the valley, and realize all of the work you pushed through to get through to get to that moment was worth it, and that maybe there was a reason for it, to get you here. That you have reached the point you thought you would never get to. That you thought would never come, of feeling free from the darkness that was the past.

Ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor, and i knew that I would do anything you want me to, I would do anything for you. I would do anything, I will do anything, whatever you want me to do, I will do.

The saltines are a good way to help with nausea, and that represents the aftermath of taking the drug. Its a niche portrayal of what they were doing together. Its this simple task, like in Lucy Dacus’ please stay, which is why I relate them so much, where the singer notices the little things Julien does, like eating saltines on the floor. Sometimes the littlest things can make you realize how much you love someone, the same way the littlest things can say so much, in please stay. When Phoebe saw Julien doing that, she knew. I think this line means “I love you.”

Doing anything for somebody is the best way to say “I love you.” Selflessness and being so willing to be there for somebody is a true sign of sincere love. The repetition of I would do anything, is like the repetition on Halloween, where she says I will be anything you want. This difference in the two lines - one is a sign of changing yourself, and one is a way of being there and willing to take a bullet for another person, to do whatever. In an interview with Apple Music, Phoebe explained, “Caring about somebody who hates themselves who is self destructive is one of the hardest things about being a person, to me.”

All you can do for somebody is be there for them. And that sounds like a little thing. People say, “ill always be there for you.” But, when it actually comes down to that, being there unconditionally takes so much effort and so much willingness, so much sacrifice. It is not as easy as it sounds. The fact that Phoebe means it so truthfully, that she explains, “yes, it is the hardest thing.” But she is never leaving. She will never stray away and decided that person is too much for her. Its this comfort to know that there will never be a breaking point for someone you love, that they will never say, “youre too much, I cant handle you.” Instead, no matter what, Phoebe says, “I love you too much to ever let go.”

I think that kind of promise is a way of sealing her wish, of Julien getting better. Its her helping her own wish come true. Its a pure example of unconditional love.

Whatever she wants, whatever she wants

Whatever she wants, Whatever she wants

We hear Julien and Lucy in the background, answering Phoebe with Whatever you want. The thing is, when you are there for people, its not one sided. They will be there for you, too, when you need it. Thats what is so beautiful about connection and love. Its never always going to be one-sided.

The outro is this repetition, this way of trying to convey the idea Phoebe has, the same way Lucy repeats Please Stay, Phoebe repeats, Whatever she wants. Julien knows that her best friends want her presence so much, and that they will do anything. They have stuck with her through it all, the distance and time and space, and they are aware this isn’t the end of the pain, but they will stick with her through it, because they have done it so far.

Phoebe hears Whatever you want sung back to her by her two best friends, and its this way of closing the song with the three of them promising one another they will always stick by one another, forever.

This is one of the most beautiful songs, and I wanted to mention how different the sound is on this track of the record. This song has a pure bluegrass, Americana, folksy song that we dont hear in a lot of Bridgers’ songs, but that is one of the main types of music Phoebe listens to, besides rock and roll. There is such a big contrast between listening to heavy metal and simple banjo acoustic songs, and being one or the other all the time. Always wanting some extreme of a music genre. I think the reason she chose to do this song to that sound, is because I think her different relationships with women versus men have a different sound and feel to her. This kind of feeling of love that is pure and honest, without darkness, represents exactly what country ballads like this sound like. Whereas so many of her other rock songs that have these dark messages, sound much darker themselves. Usually, these are around her male relationships or about her mental health and have a dark edge. I think that’s what represents the unique sound of this album.

My friend actually pointed this out to me when we were driving up to North California, and listening to this whole record. When we got to this song, she turned to me as I was driving, and said, “This is such a different sound, from everything else we’ve heard. I bet it’s because this is about her love for a woman.” It’s a real love song, while the rest were about one sided love or about wanting to get better mentally yourself. But even though this song is about something so heartbreaking, there is a happy ending, and it really reflects wishes and hopes. That is why it has a positive, light sound, with the country violin, and I think it almost sounds like what you would imagine the scene she paints in the bridge to look like.

I think this is a beautiful portrayal of Julien’s story.