crying on a thursday

your only problem, perhaps, is that you cry without letting yourself scream.

i want to heal. but then,

what will i be?

these days i wake up crying

holding myself in my arms

rocking myself like a mother

repeating

its all right - im here.

and the room i wake up in rocks in the arms

that are rocking me.

the walls move like a sea

ebbing and flowing.

and i hadnt cried, and i needed to.

1. crying at nothing but colors

2. crying no one can understand

3. crying from the waves of the sea

4. crying because you’ve been hit by a lightning bolt

5. crying over the leaves that fall

6. crying over the ivory towers

7. crying over a dead bird

8. crying because time passes

9. crying at God

10. crying in lonely mountains

11. crying at the empty sea of faith

you convinced yourself that this was neccesary, this darkness.

that it was the only way to survive, to grow stronger than those who hurt you.

it consumed your mind, your heart, your soul.

you let that power in, let it run in your every vein, let it make your eyes black as the night.

im not a good person! ask the few who know me…i can be mean and bitter

and a failure at everything

that i say i Believe

im not a good person

how do you tell people?

how do you tell them that youre exhausted even though you slept for 10 hours?

how do you tell them that you need a break from talking and smiling and simply being near them?

how do you tell them that although you love them, you so desperately need to be alone tonight? and you need them still.

ok, ok

i never had wings, only feathers.

& i cried like a baby

when they left

me. & i bled every

time someone touched.

ok ok

i wasnt beautiful,

not even in the golden

light.

does it really matter,

anyway? we all

get swallowed

eventually.

let me sit here, on the threshold of two worlds.

lost in the eloquence of silence.

i am a forest fire

and i am the fire and i am the forest

and i am a witness watching it

i stand in a valley watching it

and you are not there at all

but i do feel strange - almost unearthly.

ill never get used to being alive.

its a mystery.

always startled to find i’ve survived.